Five ways our Childhood Screws Us Up

Five ways our Childhood Screws Us Up

In counseling I show clients how what happened to them in childhood causes them to be dysfunctional today. There is no need to be afraid or ashamed of this truth, it is something that happened to all of us, with few exceptions, no matter what type of family and/or life experiences we had. Our childhood is a delicate period of human development, and it is highly likely every child will be traumatized in some way, even with caretakers who have the best intentions.

The goal of parenting is to come out at the end with a human who is grown up and capable of taking care of themselves in every way, has solid will, drive, motivation and self-worth, as well as able to have healthy adult relationships that involve emotional and physical intimacy, sharing and give-and-take. If we are struggling in our adult years, chances are it is due to childhood trauma.

How do we get damaged? When we are born our brain needs certain things to be able to thrive and progress developmentally. Common causes of childhood trauma are neglect and lack of nurturing. Babies and young children need a large amount of attention and nurturing, and most of us didn’t get near enough. Blatant abuse, too rigid or too lenient upbringing, and parental and cultural control and expectations will also do the trick. [1]

Even if we somehow made it through the above with a solid sense of self, most of us will take on shame at some point, or the feeling that we aren’t good enough or don’t measure up, which is another major cause of childhood trauma. This happens as we realize we can’t be what our family and culture want and need us to be, and then we injure our psyche by comparing our self to others. Add to that the energy that our parent’s and caretakers projected — anger, sadness, negativity, fear, pain — children cannot protect themselves from other people’s emotional energy, and they absorb it as if were their own. Now the child is carrying a load of heavy emotions that isn’t even theirs. All of these are traumatizing to a child emotionally and will cause Developmental Immaturity (DI), which means that our bodies grow into adults, but our emotions remain immature and childlike, in the most negative sense. DI will persist until we go into recovery and grow ourselves up.

Childhood trauma damages us emotionally in five core areas:

1. Self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem is an understanding of inherent value, despite imperfections, and not feeling better than or less than anyone else. The developmentally immature person will exhibit one of two types of self-esteem, and both are dysfunctional — shame and grandiosity. Shame is one of life’s most painful emotions and causes us to have contempt for ourselves. Grandiosity is a feeling of being better than and having contempt for others. A common dysfunctional belief related to self-esteem is that is that value is based on external things such as appearance, achievement, work ethic, etc.

2. Boundaries. Boundaries are how we protect ourselves, and also how we contain ourselves. The idea is; “Protection of self so you don’t injure me physically or emotionally, and controlling myself so I won’t harm you.” Boundaries can involve the body or the psyche. DI means a person will either be unable to protect themselves from others and therefore will be frequently abused or victimized. The other end of the dysfunctional boundary spectrum is being so physically and/or emotionally walled off, as if living in a bank vault, that they can’t have a functional intimate relationship with another person.

3. Reality. This is how we perceive the information that we see, hear and feel every day. Our perception becomes our reality. Information comes into our awareness, and we attach a meaning to it. Developmentally immature people do not process what they see, hear and feel accurately concerning themselves and others. They make up meanings that aren’t true, they assume and jump to conclusions, put people on pedestal or look down on them instead of seeing the as the flawed and imperfect humans we all are.

4. Dependency. A healthy adult is capable of a truly interdependent[2] relationship with another person. When dysfunctional in this category, an adult is completely dependent on others — they can’t be alone or function emotionally, or financially without the assistance of others. The other end of the spectrum is someone who is anti-dependent, without needs and wants from others — I call these people “an island unto themselves.”

5. Moderation. Children have difficulty controlling themselves, and some adults have this issue, also. Think of those who don’t control their spending, eating, schedule, etc. On the other end of the spectrum is the person who is out of control with being in control; a control freak who will not be spontaneous. In the middle is healthy moderation of self. An example of the three is that rather than eating the whole cake, or never allowing oneself to indulge in sweets at all, the moderate person would eat one piece.

This was a brief overview of what happens to us that keeps us from growing up and being able to live and relate as mature adults. People don’t magically grow up and start being functional and mature, it is a skill that must be learned and practiced, and a lot of people who start doing that will need to do some level of trauma work. It is an endeavor that is worthwhile and life-changing.

To get you started on your journey I recommend you read the work of Pia Mellody, especially her books Facing Codependence, Breaking Free, which is the workbook to Facing Codependence, and The Intimacy Factor. Her model for going into recovery from developmental immaturity is used and respected throughout the world. Pia Mellody-trained therapists know this model well. It is also worthwhile to attend workshops led by Pia Mellody trained therapists, or at the world renowned Meadows Behavioral Health and Rehabilitation Center in Wickenburg, Arizona, where Mellody first developed her model.

[1] List of Types of trauma.

[2] Interdependent: Mutually reliant. Two adults capable of taking care of themselves physically, emotionally and financially coming together in relationship and creating a more powerful union of helping and assisting one another.