Understanding the Six Adjustment Pathways After Divorce.

While writing my book on the phenomenon of the marriage crisis, I found a motherlode of research on disgruntled spouses, marital deterioration, separation, the divorce decision, and how couples and children fare after the legal proceedings and divorce process. HCI Books will publish the book in the fall or winter of 2024 or 2025, and I’ll write a blog about that experience soon.

In the meantime, I want to share some information I found that won’t be in the book, mainly about how adults adapt immediately following a divorce and in the years afterward. Is it surprising that some people do better than others? I should hope not. Certainly, it makes sense that those who were mentally stable in the first place and who go through the least amount of social, financial, and environmental changes do the best. Still, divorce is so painful for everyone involved, especially in the first year, that people facing this reality bombard me with questions like, “What does the future hold ?” and, “When will I feel better?”

So much of the answer to these questions depends on your mental and emotional health and ability to be resilient, your personality, and your attitude. Consider how a typically optimistic person might fare over a pessimistic one, for example. How dependent have you been on your partner? Do you have minor children you can care for as a single parent? Will you have financial issues or be solid as a single person?

Over the years, I have become aware of how many people fear the unknown, and not knowing what the future holds in store is often extremely stress-inducing. Nothing brings this fear to the top of one’s awareness like divorce. When I divorced my children’s dad, I realized at some point that other than being a single parent, my future was a question mark, and I pondered how I felt about it. Luckily, I had a voice that responded, “You may not know what the future holds, but you’re smart, capable, and can figure anything out.” I still have that voice today, and you know what? It has always been right, but does everyone have that voice? I don’t think so.

The book For Better, For Worse: Surprising Results from the Most Comprehensive Study of Divorce in America by Psychologist E. Mavis Hetherington and writer John Kelly focuses on Hetherington’s three-decade study of 1400 families of divorce called the Virginia Longitudinal Study or VLS. Hetherington initially was trying to answer the question of why girls of divorced families have more social and psychological problems than girls of widowed families.

In the study, Hetherington interviewed the father, mother, and up to two children and people around the family using interviews, questionnaires, standardized tests, diaries kept by the adults, and observations. She also studied a non-divorced comparison group and, over time, expanded the number of participants, questions, and issues she included. One of her major takeaways was that divorce is not a single event. Instead, it is a multi-year life event that affects family members in many ways for many years.

Indeed it is.

Though the book was published in 2002, the depth of information she received and the knowledge gained from following post-divorce families for 30 years is invaluable. I was glued to the book for hours, mining gold that I could use to help my clients decide what to do about their broken marriages. In that conversation, people always want to know what it will be like and how they might fare.

After divorce, adults tend to fall into six different categories regarding coping and adapting, at least in the first year, says Hetherington, though after the first year, some participants got better and grew out of the category they first started in. Here are the most common categories Heatherington identified in the first year post-divorce and beyond:

1. Enhanced. Consisting mostly of women, one-fifth of the VLS participants fell into the category that the researchers called “divorce winners.” This population may not have started their new life as enhanced, but their ability to adapt and work to improve their lives over time set them in a positive direction. Driven by a strong survival instinct and desire to stay balanced socially and professionally, they became successful in multiple areas of their lives because of the things that happened to them in the divorce, not despite them. These qualities would have remained latent had they stayed in their marriages. Because of what happened, they created something meaningful with the cards they had been dealt and often raised their station in life. Of the ones that remarried, they appeared to have chosen more successful partners than before.

Comment: When I got divorced from my children’s dad, I was a victim of Texas laws that protect primary breadwinners, and as a result, my financial situation plummeted overnight. At the time, I had no idea what I would do or how to survive long-term. To help me along, I attended several motivational and empowerment workshops that help people drop fears and self-doubt and find direction. For example, in one of the workshops, which focused on career, I realized that I had to do something I loved, period; there would be no more mundane jobs that I hated and did just for the pay, and the only thing I wanted to do was write.

My best career path, I decided, would be through working as a writer for a newspaper, so working at one became my singular goal. I put all my attention and focus on getting a job as a features writer at the San Antonio newspaper, even though I had no professional writing experience. Of course, even though I had a journalism degree, editors resisted, rejected, and told me I wasn’t qualified — because with no clippings, I wasn’t. It took two long years of persistence and freelance writing to prove myself before they finally gave me a shot at it. When I sat at my desk terrified in the newsroom the first day, I told myself failure was not an option and added, “Okay, you got what you wanted; now you have to perform.”

Not long after, I was doing well and ready to set my next goal. I told editors I wanted to write a column about relationships, which took another two years of proving myself to attain. Realizing I could imagine and make things happen was empowering beyond description.

I wish every person could know the fun of being in the enhanced category. Interestingly, many years later, my ex said he didn’t think I would have achieved all I had while married, at least to him, and I know he is right. I didn’t apply myself until I had to. And when I had to, I stepped up, and when I stepped up, it was on steroids. That is how the person in the enhanced category does things.

2. The Good Enough. This was the largest group in the study, or the norm, at 40 percent. Although the good enough did well overall, they weren’t as driven as the enhanced group. The good enough group did many things to improve their lives; they tackled problems, but the good enough group seemed to “run out of steam” at some point in their process. Some went back to school but later quit, for example, and in the romantic world, they seemed to be drawn to the same type of people they had just been divorced from. In general, the quality of their lives remained similar to before, although they reported longing for something better. Looking back, divorce was a speed bump for the good enough group that didn’t change their lives much.

Comment: Because I was in the enhanced group and find that being that way makes life much more enjoyable, I wish everyone was. But I must also recognize that a variety of factors come into play about how well people do post-divorce, and I suspect that the good enough people have a level of comfort that is fine for them but wouldn’t be for someone like me. I have always had an innate need to see how far I can kick the can of life. I want to stress that if you are not in the enhanced group, it does not mean something is wrong with you. However, the cognitive dissonance of settling for a certain way of life while longing for more tells me something is amiss; perhaps it’s low self-esteem and lack of confidence.

3. The Seekers. This group sought to find a new mate as quickly as possible. One year post-divorce, 40 percent of men and 38 percent of women were considered seekers. As people found mates or became content as single people, the category shrunk to mostly men. Seeker men are described as those who don’t know how to care for themselves with little desire to learn. They also require great amounts of affirmation and validation. Seekers are less cautious about choosing a mate than others and don’t necessarily want relationships described as deep and connected. In the early days of singlehood, they tend to badger people they know for fix-ups and introductions. Once they find someone, they typically end up in pursuer-distancer relationships. If they remarry, many seekers tend to drift away from the children of their previous marriage.

Comment: My children’s dad had a girlfriend who he eventually married before our divorce was final. I told my friends he quickly found a partner because he was a workaholic who needed someone to pick up his dry cleaning and the kids from school on Wednesday evenings. I know he could have taken care of himself and could be on his own emotionally, but he couldn’t care for our children’s needs or do mundane chores. When he got a girlfriend so soon after, I was relieved because my daughter came home with brushed hair and a clean diaper, and my son wasn’t covered in filth with unbrushed teeth.

We’ve all seen the seekers in a rush to pair up again, usually because they’re needy and dependent. When I was single, I could spot a seeker male; they would love-bomb me and try to gift-bomb my kids, making it clear they wanted to be my boyfriend by the second or third date. What’s the rush, I’d think? Uh, no thanks. Of course, I’d hear through the grapevine that the guy who pressed me for commitment was engaged to someone else within six months after our last date. Figures.

4. The Libertines. Predominantly male, these individuals are the opposite of seekers and desire freedom. Many, at least initially, dive into single life, bar-hopping, drugs, sex, and sometimes even the ways they dress, but underneath, they’re often depressed and feel guilty for leaving their families. After a period of about one year, most libertines return to balance in appearance and lifestyle, but the ones that don’t may end up in rehab.

Comment: My therapist’s take on the libertine group is they are usually emotionally immature and avoidant attached. The avoidant-attached single person and libertines spend a lot of time avoiding commitment, or if they give it a shot, it becomes a push-and-pull relationship, as closeness gives them anxiety. Libertines use their new-found freedom to party and whoop it up, but like the starving person who wants to bury themselves in a pile of food, they want to do something else once their belly is full. I think this is the lesson most libertines learn.

5. The Competent Loners. Those who divorce and don’t remarry within a certain amount of time are often harshly and wrongly judged as divorce losers; this is the plight of the competent loner group, which consists of ten percent of the post-divorce individuals. Though they have much in common with the enhanced group, they are well-adjusted, socially skilled, and usually have everything they need for a fulfilling life. The main difference is the competent loners are not looking to recouple, but they might if someone special came along. They are perfectly okay on their own and content to stay that way.

​Comment: I have two words to explain the competent loner, George Clooney. For years, people couldn’t understand why he was so solidly single. Was he gay? He did date but never seemed to be serious about anyone. What was wrong?

Nothing was wrong, people. He hadn’t found anyone he wanted to put above himself, his words, not mine. Our culture wants people to get married, it seems. Why, I’m not certain.

When we met, my husband was in this category: making no effort to meet anyone, batting down dating offers and fixups, and feeling no urgency to recouple. I found his ability to calmly be alone and enjoy life to be something special about him.

6. The Defeated. The impact of divorce on the defeated can’t be understated. The defeated fall into depression and despair. Often, they had serious emotional issues with self-care, well-being, and everyday life before the divorce. Many were dependent in certain ways, financially, emotionally … and, once their spousal caretaker pulled out, they fell apart. This group often succumbed to depression, substance abuse, and a sense of purposelessness. Some lost everything and found themselves joyless and embittered. Luckily, for most people in the study, feeling defeated was temporary, but about 10 percent remained so throughout the study.

Comment: If therapists value resilience as a sign of mental and emotional stability, the defeated lack it, at least initially. If you have ever heard of internal or external locus of control, the defeated fall into the external category, where outside circumstances are to blame for their negative situations. Healthier people with internal locus of control take responsibility for their own problems.

Beyond the categories.

No matter who wanted the divorce, everyone suffered in some way, especially in the first year, but by the end of the second year, most people had improved greatly and had settled into a more constructive path. Six years post-divorce, most of the group remarried, and their new relationship had played an enormous role in reshaping their lives.

Hetherington said that after 45 years of studying families, she had learned several lessons. The first was the variety of ways in which people cope, the paths taken, and how no one size fits all in how people adjust.

She said that men and women have become more alike in that both have a strong need to be loved and valued by another person, but they differ greatly in how they express closeness, communicate, and deal with conflict.

She says that post-divorce, people are captains of their own ship, for better or worse. Decisions made, actions taken, and attitudes will all affect how well each person does in the years following the end of the marriage. In addition, moving from stressful or conflict-filled environments to a more peaceful atmosphere can benefit families. Conversely, it has adverse consequences when people enter a more stressful life after marriage.

So much of how well we do after a divorce is in our own hands, and much of it depends on how solid we are as individuals. All of us who have been divorced go through the stages of grief, have to make major decisions, and will struggle to adjust for some period of time afterward. The attitude in which you approach it may be the most important thing. Do you believe in yourself? Do you believe you are smart, capable, and can figure anything out? If you don’t feel solid mentally and emotionally, why wouldn’t you get professional help to strengthen your resilience?

I always remember a client I worked with named Laura, who had let herself go physically and emotionally. She completely depended on her husband to support her while she focused on their children, who were teenagers. When he announced he loved another woman and was leaving, it was as if her entire world had come crashing down. When she told me she was looking at minimum wage jobs in child care, I begged her to go to college or get training or take small steps, so long as they were in an upward direction to pull herself up and create new ways of supporting herself in the middle-class lifestyle she was used to. Her husband had said he would have supported her in that journey, but Laura’s self-esteem was on the floor and always had been. She took a job at a childcare center, even though she admitted it was the last thing she wanted to do, and that is the last I heard from her, as she could no longer afford therapy.

Laura was defeated, and it hurt my heart to see her not fight to improve her life. Her fatalistic attitude may also have sunk her marriage, for her husband was moving up and becoming very successful and said he had felt as if he was leaving her in the dust for years. She was smart and had many wonderful characteristics, but she couldn’t see them.

Divorce is a terrible life experience, but it doesn’t have to break us. Seventy-five to 80 percent of individuals in Hetherington’s study showed few long-term problems six years after the event. The ones who didn’t fare as well were probably not doing well before the divorce, too, she says. The good news is that most of us seem to have a “self-righting tendency” and ability to cope with life’s struggles, Hetherington reports. In the survival of the fittest, the most adaptable animals survive.

Separated? Call out for research participants from Boston University and the University of Minnesota:

We are currently recruiting participants for a study on marital separation. Eligible participants must be currently legally married but separated from their spouse. Participants will be invited to complete a confidential, online survey about their experience of separation. This survey takes approximately 20–30 minutes to complete and includes quantitative and open-ended questions. At the end of the survey, we will ask about interest in participating in a follow-up survey about 6 months from now. Participants will receive a $10 gift card for each completed survey, for a total of $20 possible compensation.

Interested persons can determine their eligibility for participating here: https://bostonu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_bBfcpCDts3cJBxI

Please feel free to forward this email to anyone you know who is currently separated and might be interested in participating. Questions can be directed to one or both principal investigators for this study: Sarah Crabtree, Ph.D., LMFT (Boston University; sarahac@bu.edu) or Steven Harris, Ph.D., LMFT (University of Minnesota; smharris@umn.edu). Thank you for helping us with this research project.

Have a question? If you have a subject you’d like to see me write about or a situation you might want to present that I could discuss in a blog, please email me at Becky@DoctorBecky.com.

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Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She is also co-host of the YouTube Call Your Mother Relationship Show and has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on the Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!

For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.