Every married person commits marital crimes; the question is, how seriously should one weigh a partner’s mistake, and what can and should be done about them? Hopefully, we all believe in grace, and if punishment is chosen, it should match the level of the crime. To help you understand how a marriage and family therapist like me deals with them when working with couples, I will provide Becky’s Marital Criminal Code, listing the level of offenses, penalties, and provisions that couples may consider. This works two ways … the person who commits the errors and the one who is the accuser. Some accusers think crimes were committed when they were not, so it’s important to know what constitutes various misdemeanors and felonies in marriage, and if you’re not sure, go to a couples therapist and have them help. Also, if you are a nit-picking partner who points out every mistake, you will likely be cast in a very negative light by your partner. We all must choose our battles and not call out every violation we see. We must be perceived as fair-minded.

Still, the misdemeanors that aren’t marriage-ending on their own can become marriage-ending if you do them repeatedly after your spouse has requested you to stop. A non-responsive spouse’s stock will drop over time if they don’t take their partner seriously and attempt to correct the little things that annoy another person. If you promised to honor and respect your partner when you said your vows, that’s what this is.

I recommend we all show grace when possible, and if something is worth mentioning, make sure it’s worth bringing to the table. No one wants to feel like they have a compliance officer in their home. It’s annoying, kills romance, and, as I said, over time, it can seriously damage your relationship. Rule of thumb to keep in mind: Do not be obnoxious; don’t intentionally annoy. If you want to marry and have a best friend, enhance their life rather than create burdens for them.

The Marital Misdemeanors.

Parking tickets.

Very minor offenses that most often should be overlooked. Leaving dishes in the sink, forgetting to take out the trash, underwear, and/or clothes on the floor, getting mustard in the mayonnaise jar, forgetfulness, white lies, minor clutter, leaving the lights on in unoccupied rooms, leaving the toilet seat up, leaving laundry out and not put away, you get the idea.

What you should do: In marriage, no one should make demands; instead, we all have the right to respectfully request. First, make sure your request is reasonable and worth calling out. If it is, you can say, “Roger, I’d like to make a request. My request is that instead of just putting your dirty dish in the sink, you go ahead and either wash it or put it in the dishwasher. I’d really appreciate it. “

What the offender should do: If you value your marriage and believe that to get along with another person over the lifespan, you must bend and compromise; you sincerely will not want to impede their happiness. Take the path of least resistance, and exhibit that you believe in we over me, and honor their request. Not just this time, but stop doing what annoyed them in the first place.

Speeding tickets.

Someone got a little out of hand. It’s stuff that rarely happens, but when it does, it either scares, mortifies, or annoys you. Maybe they yelled at someone in public, engaged in road rage, drank too much at a party, flirted with someone, or allowed their jaw to drop when an attractive person walked by, but you feel disrespected, embarrassed, or both.

What you should do: If you are in public, you can either hang out a little longer or, without creating a scene, ask your spouse to quietly leave with you if at all possible. Tell them you would like to speak about what happened when you are both calm and sober, if sober is applicable. When you are, tell your partner about your feelings and what you need moving forward, “It embarrassed me when you started to slur your words in front of everyone. They were laughing at you. I’d like you to promise me that you will never allow that to happen again.”

What the offender should do: You are in a partnership, remember? If your partner was mortified or embarrassed by whatever it is you did, you need to take stock of yourself and ask how you let that happen. Make the adjustments necessary to ensure it’s not a repeat offense. When these types of things happen once, they are minor crimes; when they happen repeatedly, the charges get more serious. Approach the situation with humility, taking full ownership of what happened. Do not be defensive.

Reckless driving ticket.

One of you crossed a very important line. Maybe your partner reached out to an old love on Facebook, or perhaps they said something bad or embarrassing about you or to you in front of friends or family. Maybe they talk badly about you to your children or try to get a valued friend or family member to align with them against you. Are they enmeshed with their biological family at your expense? Did you see them kiss someone else? Perhaps their family did something dastardly, and your spouse didn’t support or defend you. Have they built up debt you know nothing about? Maybe they asked to borrow money or have you co-sign or buy them something that is too big of an ask. Lies and deceit are serious marital crimes. Whatever it is that happened, it was disloyal, and you feel violated.

What you should do: It’s time to discuss appropriate boundaries for couples. Our spouse comes before our biological family in the healthy family pecking order. Couples turn toward one another when things come up, not turn away and seek out alliances or confidences with others. If you have an issue with your partner, talk to them about it or a therapist, and no one else. You need to go to a Marriage and Family Therapist trained in trauma and have them help you plug the leaks here. Without professional help, your spouse likely won’t understand why it was so bad, and there will be no change.

​What the offender should do: Get your s**t together, man. It’s time to become an adult instead of remaining an emotional child your whole life. You need to conduct yourself like the loyal and cherishing spouse you promised to be. You’re not single anymore, no excuses.

The Marital Felonies.

Certain actions by a spouse are so egregious, so damaging, that they could be marriage-ending. When we marry, most of us have agreed to love, honor, cherish, and remain faithful. Whether or not your vows state these the following things explicitly, they should be understood. Marriage therapists commonly know about the three A’s, or marital felonies, that can kill whatever goodwill there is between two people who have vowed to stay together for life — adultery, abuse, or addiction. All three of these are terrible crimes and potential marriage-killers.

Adultery.

Though most of us promise ourselves that if our spouse ever cheats, we will divorce, the truth is that 75 percent of us stay and work it out. Marriage is complicated that way. Things aren’t cut and dry, and attachments are strong bonds that are difficult to throw away. However, when your spouse cheats on you, it hurts almost like nothing else. There are different degrees of cheating; the least difficult to recover from is the one-night stand with someone you didn’t previously know, and the most difficult is probably the long-term, emotionally connected love affair. Add to that my child being born, and things can get even more terribly ugly. Then there is every type of cheating situation in between. One thing is certain after someone cheats, nothing will ever be the same, and the cheater shouldn’t expect it to be.

What you should do. Stabilize the situation. Get the third person as far away from your marriage as possible, whatever that means in your situation. Your marriage will not survive if this does not happen. If you have to call their spouse, do it. Couples therapy is a must-do; if your spouse won’t go, go alone.

What the offender should do. Humility is your only option. Fall on your sword, or accept your fate as a future divorced person, or person who remains in a marriage where your partner looks at you with continuing disgust. If you have children, they’ll consider that you cheated on them, too. Get into couples therapy pronto.

Abuse

There are three types of abuse, verbal, emotional, and physical. Before I understood these dynamics, I had a feeling a man or two had been verbally and emotionally abusive to me in relationships. I’d say something about it, they would deny it, and I was too ignorant to know that I had been right. The bar is not terribly high to qualify as abuse, and that’s as it should be. No one should have to tolerate unkindness and verbal nastiness from anyone. Any false accusations, name-calling, financial control, or control of any kind qualify as abuse. Laying a hand on anyone in anger qualifies as physical abuse. Every person should be aware of what abusive behavior is, so I urge you to take a look at the national abuse hotline website and inform yourself about what it entails: https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/understand-relationship-abuse/. One more thing, anyone who abuses another rarely changes that much.

What you should do. Educate yourself about what abuse is. Domestic violence centers in your area have free counseling to educate you about it and to offer you specialized help about what to do. I know because I did my grad school internship at one and was amazed at their great work, and I learned so much. Do not hesitate to use it. Use the link above to read what you can, and promise yourself that even though you are attached to the person abusing you, you will do what is best for you in the end.

What the offender should do. Most people who abuse won’t face the truth that they are abusers. It’d be a phenomenon first step if you could do that. Get therapy with someone who specializes in therapy for abusers and controllers. This is not optional. Get in an anger management support group. Some domestic violence centers have specialized training and groups for abusers; use them. This is a nasty, ugly dynamic and is dangerous. If you hope to continue with your family intact, you must dedicate yourself to this proposition.

Addiction.

There are many types of addiction … substance abuse, food, sex, video games, love, gambling, smoking, shopping, pornography, Internet. All are serious. A habit becomes an addiction when it starts affecting the quality of work and relationships. Stopping these things cold turkey usually ends up exchanging one addiction for another. Twelve-step programs hit these issues at the root … all are toxic shame related, which is the idea that one is defective, not good enough, and doesn’t fit in. Without dealing with the toxic shame that fuels an addiction, a person is wasting their time. Get serious about ending your addiction by getting tried and proven help from an addiction professional.

What you should do. To be healthy yourself when you are married to an addict, you need therapy for codependent and trauma-based relationships, and I highly recommend you join a support group like Al-anon or Codependents Anonymous (CoDa). Educate yourself, work on yourself, and get as healthy as possible. Stop focusing on your partner’s problem. They know you want them to quit. Focus on how you can be healthy now and moving forward.

What the offender should do. Come out of denial, drop your defenses, get a professional therapist who specializes in the type of addiction you have, and join a 12-step program. That includes getting a sponsor and getting serious about getting healthy. No excuses, do it.

Capital Crimes

A capital crime in marriage is when a spouse does something so impossibly horrible that nothing is left to be done except to end the marriage. In the most extreme cases, you may learn that your spouse murdered, raped, harmed, molested someone, committed other types of crimes, endangered the family with their actions and behaviors, destroyed family finances, or more. Some capital crimes are more subjective than others but know that not every person should have or deserves grace or mercy for their horrific actions.

Conclusion.

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When we do something wrong in our relationships, we must make it right and do the repair. A person usually only gets so many chances before their spouse will lose hope for change. Learn to apologize and to stop doing the things that annoy or scare your partner. Responsiveness is key in marriage — don’t blow off your spouse when they address something that is not working for them. Don’t minimize or deny. Being able to look at yourself in the mirror and face the part of you that you don’t like or is flawed will be the best and most powerful thing you could do for yourself.

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She is also co-host of the Call Your Mother Relationship Show on YouTube and has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!

For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.