Stepfamily Drama: What To Do About Your Spouse’s Nasty Ex

If you read my work on divorce, you already know that I discourage individuals from considering a new life and relationship with someone who has small or young children and shared child custody with their ex. Life and marriage with a new partner are hard enough without adding a spouse’s ex and children, who probably want little or nothing to do with you. Still, evidence shows that few people listen to me and go ahead and dive head first into blending a family, telling themselves the lie that it will be a love fest complete with rainbows and butterflies, but stepfamily fantasies are just that, fantasies. Now that you’re in it, you find yourself dealing with an uncooperative, unreliable, nasty, vindictive, toxic ex, and you want me to tell you what to do about it. Other than to say, “I told you not to do it,” I will do my best to help you navigate the land mines that co-parenting and remarriage almost always bring.

If your relationship began as an affair …

If you are now married to a person you had an affair with, dealing with the ex and parent of your stepchildren will likely be a hellacious experience loaded with negative feelings. Even the most mature and healthy former partner will likely view you with contempt, and justifiably so. Yes, your new partner is equally guilty, but they won’t receive one-tenth of the ire you will; that’s human nature. The bottom line is there is no fairness to be found when perceived as a home wrecker. Are you mature enough to face the harsh judgment that comes from having a romance with a married person? Is your love for your new partner and their children worth the possible verbal and emotional abuse you will likely face from a bitter ex wife or husband, mutual friends, family? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t condone nasty behavior between humans, but as I said, people don’t often take my relationship counsel to heart. In the end, people do what they want based on their own mental and emotional development at that point in time. I can only make you see or do something if you are ready to receive it. Just like a pastor on Sunday mornings, I preach healthy behavior and look to inspire people to raise the level of their interactions, and then the congregation goes home and sweeps the things I said under the rug or uses bits and pieces of the message, and often only for a few days.

The only way to handle your situation is to accept your position as a villain or bad guy to the ex, not fight it, facing it with humility. In other words, take ownership of your part in breaking apart a family with children and the raw and bitter feelings that those who were negatively affected by it likely feel. You don’t need to explain or defend your actions, like cough medicine; it wouldn’t go down well. If you choose to face the judgment with a nasty attitude and protect your fragile ego with snarky 14-year-old behaviors, then you will underline and bold what the ex already believes about you, that you are a heartless, self-centered person worth holding in contempt. It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not; the ex will think it is, and this will poison interactions with you until the end of time. Turn to your empathy here, realizing that even though the couple may have had a terrible marriage that should have ended, and this person is simply a jealous ex-wife or husband, you will be forever known as the person who broke up a family. The best way to handle it is not to run from it. Don’t defend or justify; just take ownership of the idea, “I did something that was wrong,” and leave it at that.

If you met your spouse after their divorce …

If you were not part of an affair, you might have an easier time, but that does not mean it will be an easy time. Think of it this way: there was an original family unit with two parents and their children. You are the new kid in town, the square cog that faces long-established round holes. Your arrival will take getting used to, which will take a long time and may never happen. Ask yourself now what stance you could take in this situation that gives your new relationship a fighting chance and does the most to create an atmosphere of peace among the group. Laying low and standing back might be a smart way to do it.

I remember reading about Hillary Clinton in 2000 when she was elected to the United States Senate. When she arrived, she was one of the most famous women in the world. She had also been America’s First Lady and Arkansas’s First Lady. She had achieved many wonderful things in both of those roles, as well as on her own as a policy influencer, advocate for children, and as a primary breadwinner and lawyer. Imagine had she arrived among some of the most arrogant and powerful people in the world, United States Senators, and had an attitude? What if she had demanded an equal voice and place at the table from day one? Hillary is a politician, if nothing else, and political people consider the long-term ramifications of their actions. She knew the only way she might ever be taken seriously and accepted was to lay low, like a student who needed to learn from more experienced teachers. She might have been smart enough to teach the Senate’s old guard herself, but she knew that was not in anyone’s interest. She sat back, learned, paid her dues, and then earned her seat at the table through hard work and respect for others. This is a good example of how the stepparent should approach their new life as an outsider in a previously formed family. Outsiders must practice diplomacy, earning stripes over time through kindness, respect, and a sincere wish for the newly formed family to succeed. The divorced parent who has great potential to be a thorn in your back side is part of a package deal as a member of your new family, for better or worse.

I have told new stepparents, who cried on my shoulder at the unfairness of it all, that I believe the only stance that works in that role is that of an always loving, agreeable, diplomatic, accepting super-human who never goes low. Go low with angry feelings once in a new blended family, whether with the children or the ex-spouse, and your fate of not being accepted will be sealed. It is an impossible feat at best, but it is what is needed. My children’s dad remarried not long after our divorce, and my stance was that I wanted us to all get along for the sake of the children. I appreciated that now the children were coming home clean and with their hair combed; I saw her positive influence. However, I wanted to interact with my former spouse, not the stepmom when it came to the children. She would only earn my full respect and appreciation if she were kind and generous to my children. She wasn’t always, but her role was impossible at best, and I felt sorry for her in many ways. She did a lot of the work that children require, being driven around, doctor’s appointments, and meals, but she got little of the parental credit. I wouldn’t want that gig. When our son was killed in Afghanistan at age 24 in 2011, only the biological parents were included in the planning and the ceremonial aspects guided by the military, and she had to sit off by herself while we were comforted, honored, and treated with caring and dignity. I’m sure that hurt her very much.

Dealing with the ex.

You can’t control anyone but yourself, so understand that you cannot repair, fix, or change an ex who doesn’t respect you as a member of their extended family. I would hope that you would have seen the ex was difficult before you decided to sign up to be in their family and made your marital decision accordingly. Any way to look at it, you’re in a tough situation. My best advice is to do everything you can for yourself to get through it in one piece. Get professional help, they will give you all the sympathy, empathy, and emotional support you could ever need. Ask your partner to deal with their ex wife or husband directly, and leave you out of it as much as possible. Trouble may lie for you in how you and your new spouse agree or disagree on handling the relationship with the father or mother of their children, and the children themselves. I have seen this one issue take down a couple who loved each other very much. Once again, I encourage you not to count on your spouse handling things in the way you would hope. Look at it from their point-of-view: they are also in a tough situation, riding the line between keeping you happy and trying to have a decent co-parenting relationship with their ex. They also want their children to do well after a very tough family situation. The more you interfere or try to control any of it, the worse things will be. The mental and emotional health of the former couple’s children is at stake. If a spouse has to choose between you and their children because of demands you make, prepare to pack your bags. Even though the saying happy wife, happy life is somewhat true, most parents will not sacrifice their children so their new spouse can be happy. It’s part of the second-class citizenry that comes with the role of stepparent. After divorce, kids must come first over everything else until they are grown. Hopefully, you are patient and can understand your time will come, eventually. Also, hopefully, your spouse will be mindful of how difficult your role is and will put you first when the children aren’t around. Even in this impossible role, you still should have enough love and attention to get you through the tough times.

If your spouse is too accommodating to their ex.

​Most people who divorce still care about each other on some level. A lot of people who remarry understand that physical and emotional boundaries must be put in place once they have a new spouse. There can be no hanging out without your new spouse present, and your spouse should not jump every time their children’s parent beckons. If this is happening in your life, I am so sorry. You can complain to your spouse, but clearly, they are torn between what is best for their children and what is best for you, and guilt may be causing them to engage in all sorts of unhealthy boundaries. You will probably have a hard, if not impossible time, convincing them to do the hard work that boundary setting involves. This is why it is crucial that you visit a family therapist together and let the professional lay out the reasons why what they are doing is not healthy for anyone in the family. It always angers clients when their spouse’s will listen to me, and not listen to them, when we both are saying the same thing, but it’s true that an experienced professional’s opinion often carries more weight. It also helps that the errant spouse knows that the therapist has no skin in the game and simply wants what’s best for the family.

If your spouse refuses to set the boundaries, then you will have problems, indeed. It is situations like these, involving a previous marriage, that account for the 75 percent divorce rate of second marriages.

The Disarming Technique — the way to stop jerks in their tracks.

One of the most profound things I ever learned as a therapist was from psychiatrist Dr. David Burns, who came to Texas to teach a workshop to the Texas Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. He had just written a book full of important things for helping couples called Better Together. Burns is a prolific researcher and adjunct clinical professor Emeritus of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the Stanford University School of Medicine. To say he is respected in the therapy world would be an understatement. During the workshop, he told us two things that have stuck with me … you cannot do couples therapy unless both parties agree to approach it with an attitude of humility, without pride or being better than, (which literally almost never happens), and two, there is a way to deal with difficult people that works every time he calls the disarming technique.

As far as the humility question, Burns said he asks couples if they could throw their pride and egos out the window in order to do marriage therapy, and if they said no, the session would end right there or they’d talk about something else, like football. Although the story is kind of humorous, it really underscores how relational compromise is impossible to achieve between two people, married or not, if not approached with an attitude of “I am here to listen, learn, grow, and ready to take ownership of my part in what’s not working.” The same is true when you’re dealing with a manipulative ex-wife or husband.

If I haven’t made the point clearly enough, I am asking spouses who are stepparents to approach their spouse’s ex with humility; that is what this whole blog is about. It’s the only thing that works when you have a bone to pick with someone that you can’t remove from your life for whatever reason. For any chance of success, you must be the better person and focus on the removal of your ego, any temptation to have a bad attitude, and a need to be right. Just control your side of it, be respectful, and in time, you might be accepted. You do this for the higher good of all parties. Taking the high road and admitting when you’re wrong all work in your favor in life, trust me.

If your spouse’s ex is a royal pain, the best thing you can do is let your husband or wife deal with them exclusively, as I said above. Don’t complain with how they do it, or judge if they are too nice or too nasty. Let them handle it their way. If you must have direct contact with your spouse’s ex, and they are not always on their best behavior, the Disarming Technique will come in handy. Here’s how it works:

No matter what negative junk the ex-spouse says to you or about you, whether meaning to cause harm or not, you will agree with all or a part of whatever it is they are saying, even if you don’t agree with it. I use it all the time, and think of it as a game. Example: My husband comments that I have a tendency to be messy, I overrule the instinct to be defensive or throw him a tit-for-tat response, and instead say, “Yes, I do have a tendency to be messy. It’s not my favorite thing about myself.” When this happens, the tension that was building toward a confrontation immediately deflates and the whole thing becomes a nothing burger. That’s how it works.

I used it on a rustic walking trail not long after the conference in Texas. Normally, I could take my dogs out there, unleash them, and let them do what dogs do, without ever running into another person over the course of 60 minutes. But one day, I did encounter a gentleman who had his dogs on a leash, and of course, my dogs started barking and being obnoxious. The man raised his eyebrows, his body stiffened, and I could see the whites of his eyes, “You are supposed to have your dogs on a leash!” he said aggressively. “You are breaking the park rules!” The average person would say something nasty back, but I was ready with the disarming technique and wanted to try it out.

“You are right,” I said. “I am breaking the rules, and I will put my dogs on their leashes immediately. I am so sorry that I caused you any distress. Please forgive me.”

As Burns promised, the man disarmed immediately. His body loosened, his face softened, and he smiled and waved. “No problem at all, have a great day!” As Burns said in the workshop, when the person first confronts, they think you’re an asshole, after the disarming technique is implemented, their viewpoint completely changes to a positive one. I love it.

If what I have recommended still doesn’t satisfy you …

​I can hear the voices of clients past saying, “But Becky, she tells everyone she sees that I’m a bitch and a whore. She works to get the children to hate me. How can I get her to stop?” I understand. But there really isn’t anything you can do. If you let her know you hate it, she will probably be pleased. The role of a stepmother, or stepfather, is to focus on what is in the best interest of the children, and keep your new marriage intact. She can tell her children you are a witch, but don’t be a witch at home with your new family. Be kind and generous. If what the mom says about you is never witnessed by them, and you relentlessly treat them with respect and foster an amicable relationship, they eventually won’t give what their mother says much value. You have to hang in there and be the last (good) person standing. The most important thing you can do is control your side of the relationship with a difficult ex-spouse and never go negative. It’s hard, I wouldn’t want to do it, but it’s the only thing that works.

One last thing.

​I’ve had hundreds of clients tell me they had a wonderful stepparent who enhanced their life beyond words. They tell me how much they loved and appreciated these angels in disguise, who came into someone else’s children’s lives and treated them with love, respect, and caring. Sometimes they felt more loved by the stepparent than their biological parents. These stories help me find hope in the possibilities of what a stepparent can be and mean to a child. You can be a good friend, someone who is nonjudgmental they can count on, you can show them first-hand what a good relationship is. Mutual caring and respect. Kindness. Grace.

You may have signed up for one of the hardest jobs there is within a family, and there will be hard times. Calm communication, love, generosity. They will see it, remember it, and cherish it. Healthy relationships are possible, if we take the high road.

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She is also co-host of the Call Your Mother Relationship Show on YouTube and has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!

For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.