5 ways to make Valentine’s Day grinches happier.
This man probably dislikes that he had to buy a gift and go to dinner with his love because of the pressure and obligation of Valentine’s Day. Let’s free our partner’s from it, and celebrate each other on other days. Photo illustration: Adobe stock/mtrlin
That made-up holiday designated for lovers is coming soon, and retail stores are filling their shelves with red and pink teddy bears, flower arrangements and heart-filled greeting cards. Restaurants are planning price-fixed menus, dinner reservations are filling up, and romantic partners across America are cringing in dread and fright as the day of I-have-to-make-a-big-deal-of-it-whether-I-feel-like-it-or-not arrives. Ever try to clip a dog’s toenails, get a child to drink cough medicine, or seen fingernails scraping across a chalk board? If so, then you can probably empathize with what it feels like for most American men, and some women, to endure Valentine’s Day, or “That damn day,” as one of my male friends calls it.
A “good” man will go through the motions and perform on that fake special day that comes this time of year, in order to avoid any negative judgment or pushback. They’ll get a box of chocolates, an expensive gift, and send a barbershop quartet to your workplace to sing “My Funny Valentine.” They’ll do what it takes to keep themselves out of the romantic dog house. and to check off that box. Something is terribly wrong with all of this, in my opinion, because a man’s heart (or any Valentine’s Day hater) is usually not into being extorted by America’s jewelry stores, fine restaurants, and advertisers who make it clear what’s expected to happen on February 14, a concocted day of forced romantic love.
Although the day was inspired by St. Valentine, no one agrees on how it all came about or why, but the first Valentine card sent occurred around 1415. My theories are the retailers of the 14th century created a day of celebration that would motivate lovers to go out and spend money on each other in the name of love, or women did it to get the men who can be lazy romantics off their backsides. No matter what its origins, people go out and spend money on things they otherwise would not buy just because if they don’t, the next day, February 15th is likely to go south.
Valentine’s Day, a day that is supposed to be the most romantic day of the year, has turned into the least romantic because of the pressure and obligation associated with it. Nothing kills romance faster than when it is concocted or forced. The best thing we can all do is admit it, free ourselves from it, and do it our way or not at all. Whatever that means.
We Americans need to change how our anti-Valentine’s Day partner’s feel about it and treat them better this February 14th. May I suggest you declare yourself governor of their heart, and as governor, you will bestow a Valentine’s Day reprieve that says they no longer have to participate, aka go through the motions, on that most dreaded day of the year?
When I was dating my husband, I told him the day meant nothing to me, and so there was no need to do anything unless he just wanted to, and I really meant it. If he wants to something thoughtful for me, I’d rather it be organic or spontaneous, and not orchestrated. When I was a very young adult and quite self-oriented, I delighted in watching my romantic partner pull out all the stops with romantic gestures on my behalf on Valentines Day. After that, I was single a long time, and used to watch women at work get all sorts of huge flower arrangements, musical performers, elaborately wrapped gifts, and other forms of hoopla. Why didn’t their partners send these things to their home instead of work? Come on, to make single people like I was reflect on what was really going on, and to learn how to hate the day that celebrates happy couples, while one person puts on a show for their partner because they don’t want to deal with what happens if they don’t. I grew up, and no longer needed red roses and public displays of caring. I prefer the ones that come day after day, no matter the day.
In those days, one of my best friends got a delivery to her office she’d never forget — served with divorce papers. Now that was creative. I wonder if it cost extra? That was when I realized that Valentine’s Day could be used by some to stick a knife in someone’s heart and twist it.
If you really want sincere romance, thoughtfulness and expressions of love, exonerate your romantic partner from having to compete with thousands of others who begrudgingly pay inflated prices so their romantic relationship might survive to see another day. Take my extremely wise advice and you will certainly turn the tables of your person’s attitude and get true loving gestures instead of the kind only credit cards can buy. Here are the five ways:
1. If you do anything on that day, treat the day like it’s their birthday, not yours. That’s right … put the focus completely on them. What would they choose to do on this day that would make them grin from ear-to-ear and feel loved? How could Valentine’s Day become truly special, with unique rituals that cost little or no money and involve zero materialism? Would they want to spend a day or evening of focused attention and love with you? Go on a picnic? Have you written a letter to them and read it to them aloud about things you enjoy about them? Ask yourself what you could do for them that would make them feel loved. Indulge them and watch a heart once frozen by Valentine’s Day pressure melt into warming embers fueled by complete freedom from pressure and obligation.
2. Absolutely insist that they send or give you nothing at all. Please free them from this. Come on, we all know the cupids and hearts are ridiculous marketing tools anyway, don’t we? Tell him if he really wants to do something, make certain it costs nothing and doesn’t involve competing with the myriad of other people who are spending to their credit limit while retailer’s foam at the mouth. Perhaps try a five-minute shoulder rub or soft conversation about what you mean to each other.
3. Don’t gloat, promote, or demote. Be fervently loyal and protect your love from the stories and fish tales people tell about what their love did AND didn’t do for them on Valentine’s Day. Hear this: no matter how great it was or wasn’t, and even if you feel neutral, don’t talk. Guard them and their honor as if it is a $1 million gold bar, because it is. We have all seen those who demean another’s Valentine’s Day effort or lack thereof, and this is part of the reason people hate it so much — it isn’t a day of competition and who-did-what. Lay low, stay under the Valentine’s Day radar. Let others be the fools who put themselves out because of peer pressure and obligation.
4. Empathize. A heck of a lot of people simply are not natural romantics. Especially Caucasian men from the USA. Sorry, guys, but your culture has conditioned you to quell emotions and shut off vulnerability. For men who are shut down romantically, Valentine’s Day is a day they want to be somewhere else. It makes some people feel inept, inadequate, and like an idiot. Why try to force a fish to walk down the street in swim trunks? Enthusiastically let your person be themself, and if you want them to be more romantic, you can work on that. Too many women throw their man under the love boat bus for not being Fabio or Don Juan, which paralyzes them from even wanting to attempt the idea of romance at all.
5. Ask not what your partner can do for you, but what you can do for your partner. Adopt this mantra on Valentines Day and every day, and watch your relationship go from fizzle to sizzle. In the end, love your person every day, just the way they are. Don’t waste money buying him a teddy bear holding a heart that will soon be sold at a garage sale. (Whoever thought that was going to warm any person’s heart must have been out of their mind.) Instead, just let him know how glad you are that they’re in your life and show it through whatever makes the man’s heart sing.
In the end, Valentine’s Day should be a day for children to enjoy, not adults. Children taking their little Valentine’s cards and decorated boxes to school, and reading all the signatures are sweet, innocent expressions of caring, who wouldn’t love that? The cupcakes and cupids were meant for them. And maybe even the teddy bears holding a heart. I still cherish the memories of those days, and the simple joys. Happy Valentine’s Day! Now go do it your way. Or not.
Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She is also co-host of the Call Your Mother Relationship Show on YouTube and has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!
For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.
Becky Whetstone is an Arkansas native and has a Ph.D. in Marriage and Family Therapy from St. Mary’s University in San Antonio, Texas. She is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) in Texas and Arkansas. 
