How Healthy Sexual Boundaries Save Relationships.

Recently, several clients talked about the frustration they felt in the bedroom, not due to no sexual activity or that their intimate relationship is no longer a garden of sexual delight, but because of how their partners react to them when 1. They do not orgasm, and 2. When they aren’t in the mood or do not feel like having intimate sexual relations. This subject has come up week after week in my sessions for almost 20 years. Finally, I realized that ignorance of healthy relationship dynamics is ruining life for everyone else and that it has to stop. Why our culture does not talk about what is healthy and appropriate when it comes to sexual and intimacy boundaries, I do not know. So, I’m going to explain it today, and then hopefully, this blog will end up in every adult’s inbox throughout North America and beyond. We could change the world if people would allow themselves to learn these easy concepts.

The first rule of thumb in any boundary setting is that adults’ free will is to be treated like a holy grail. No one has any right to tell another adult what to do or how to do it, even when that adult is making enormous mistakes. Appropriate personal boundaries mean never telling anyone how to feel, think, what to do, or anything else. We may do so if invited, or we can ask for permission to tell them what we’re seeing, but if they don’t care to hear it, we must back off. Also, physical boundaries are equally as important as the personal ones. Don’t touch, hug, sit, or lean on, anyone without their permission or invitation. Don’t go through their stuff and stay on your own side of the street boundary-wise. Now, you know that adults are free to do as they please, but that does not mean they won’t have to face the consequences of inconsiderate or bad actions.

My family and I discussed this subject at one of our holiday meals a few years back. My niece’s best friend since childhood had ghosted her after forty years of friendship. My niece asked me why I thought she had, and I said, well, has she told you what you do that irritates her? Niece: “Shouldn’t I speak to her when I see her believing and thinking stupidly? If what she is doing is obviously wrong or misguided?” My response: What makes you the all-knowing human who decides what is right or best for someone else? Your stance is violating her intellectual boundaries. With this line of thinking, you are showing me that you are arrogant and think you know better and should tell everyone if their actions don’t align with your beliefs. Niece: “So I should just stay silent and not try to show her a better way?” Me: Correct. In all of mankind, not one person has appreciated having uninvited adults to try to fix them. People will learn their life lessons the hard way or not at all.

Knowing my niece and her strident belief system, which she has also attempted to inflict on me with zero success, she’s probably lost a lot of friendships over the years. That’s why trying to force people to do things that don’t fit who they are is a great way to cause them to seek friendship elsewhere. Let people be who they are, people.

My niece was astonished at the idea that she shouldn’t be telling others how to live their lives better. Of course, what is better for her may not be better for anyone else. Ironically, my niece’s life is not a testament to healthy living and functioning, but this is the way of the world. Dysfunctional people are giving advice to dysfunctional people, and in the end, the whole world is a mess. That may be why so many people are confused about how to conduct themselves. I propose to change that by at least presenting what healthy adult behavior looks and sounds like, and then I can sleep at night.

Sexual Boundaries 101

Do I have to have sex if I don’t feel like it? People have the right to have sex or not, depending on what’s going on with them at the time. Demanding sex is an egregious boundary violation that should never take place. Likewise, forcing yourself to have sex when you don’t want to is terrible self-care and says, in essence, “What you want is more important than what I want.” I feel that too many people throw themselves under the bus to make others happy — a recipe for resentment, and just so you know, those who are healthy emotionally won’t allow that to happen. Sexual behaviors and frequency between committed couples usually ebb and flow over the lifespan. Sexual jackrabbits in their 20s will usually discover that changes as they complicate their lives with children, careers, responsibilities, and all the stress that comes with that. The ability to be sexually flexible and understanding of all the ebbs, flows, and fluidity of human sexuality is what will be required for the relationship to continue thriving. This is also known as being an adult, and part of that is creating the space for others to be who they are at any given moment, whether it’s what you want or not.

Many of my clients tell me that when they do not want to have sex for whatever reason, their spouse will often punish them in some way. I have heard about the silent treatment, pouting, huffing, and puffing, being accused of being frigid, having an affair, are you sure about your sexual orientation questions, and on and on. Nothing good will come from giving your unwilling partner negative feedback and commentary about their lack of sexual desire, and it certainly won’t influence them to jump your bones.

I once had a multimillionaire client, I’ll call Roger, haul his wife into my office, and tell me to fix her because she was frigid. He had searched the nation for sexual dysfunction clinics where they could magically return her to her former passionate self. After several sessions and many questions answered by Roger’s wife, who usually sat with her arms crossed, foot tapping, and looking furious, it was obvious that Roger was a narcissistic asshole, and she was sexually shut down because of that. Indeed, he criticized her relentlessly, and in my experience of visiting with them, I had not sensed one compassionate or empathetic bone in his body. Any meaningful conversation about his ownership of their intimacy issues was not going to be on the table. He was all about entitlement and contempt for the woman who wasn’t giving him what he wanted and deserved, and he could only see her part of the breakdown of their sexual relationship. As Dr. Phil says, “You can’t fix what you won’t acknowledge.” Roger wasn’t going to change. In a session alone with his wife, she shared that she is a very sexual and passionate woman who does not want to have relations with her harsh and judgmental husband. I completely understood. When I told Roger he needed to change more than his wife needed to change, he fired me.

Sexual pressure, negative judgment, and comments kill sexual desire. It takes away any chance that sexual intimacy can be a safe place to express romantic love with a trusted friend. The more a partner acts nasty after a rejection, the more their partner will not want to have sex with them. It’s relationship math. If you want to solve the problem, and you are emotionally mature and really do love and care about your partner, you will not take it personally when they don’t feel like engaging in sexual intimacy and will even be happy that they are confident in themselves and the relationship enough that they are comfortable practicing self-care in setting boundaries that way, because that is what it is at the end, self-care.

A partner can be wildly in love and attracted to you and still not always want to have sex with you. Yet, my husband tells me that 99 percent of men take sexual rejection personally, and being rejected even one time is so emotionally devastating that some may not ever initiate it again with that person. This blew my mind, and I hope it’s not true. So, I thought, a man’s ego is so wrapped up in women desiring them 100 percent of the time that they will never initiate sex again if rejected once, really? Guys, if this is true, get over yourselves. One rejection does not equal total rejection — another relationship math equation. Don’t punish women because of your own sexual insecurities. Chances are, if your partner chooses to spend their life with you rather than the other several billion humans on this earth, they are probably very into you mentally, emotionally, and sexually. If a man decides never to initiate sex again after only one rejection, we will have even bigger problems than just sexual rejection.

It’s important to note here that this is why therapists say you cannot have a healthy relationship with someone else unless you have one with yourself. It will trickle down to every other part of your relationship if you are insecure. and it is wrong to make your insecurities someone else’s problem. Deal with them, build a strong sense of self, and learn to keep your inner peace and confidence as a human, no matter the state of your relationship. Most of us aren’t uber-confident in the bedroom, and that should probably be normalized, but at the same time, most of us don’t expect a lights and fireworks show every time we engage in sexual intimacy, or sometimes, ever. Good sex is subjective, anyway. What is great for one person is not for another, and that’s okay.

Couples with strong relationships who practice healthy sexual boundaries.​

Here are the characteristics of couples who practice healthy sexual boundaries:

1. They understand and respect that their partner may not want sexual relations as often as they do.

2. They are happy that their partner feels comfortable enough to beg off when not feeling up for sexual intimacy, and they see it as a form of self-care.

3. They would not want their partner to feel pressured to have sex when they don’t want to.

4. They would never react negatively when their partner communicates that they are not wanting sexual intimacy at any given time.

5. They know how to take care of themselves in the event that their partner is not wanting to have sex and don’t allow it to harm the relationship.

One more thing: marriages can become sexless over time, and if both partners are fine with that, great. However, if one partner cannot accept this, then the one who has lost interest, for whatever reason, should do all they can to find out what is going on and get themselves back on the sexual track. This could mean having a physical exam that includes bloodwork and having hormones tested, pelvic physical therapy; marriage itself insinuates a long-term, monogamous sexual relationship, and since sexual relations is a normal human need, if that’s what you signed up for, then you need to do what you can to meet your partner’s needs in this area. Don’t expect your still sexually interested partner to give up their sex life for good.

Here are frequent questions and issues that come up in therapy sessions concerning sexual boundaries.

Wear sexy lingerie and send me dirty pics and messages or else. This one comes up in therapy occasionally, and once again, human beings need to leave room and space for their partners to grow, mature, or be different throughout the years they are together, whether personally, professionally, or sexually. It is okay if a person was once comfortable doing these things and no longer is. In most cases, human beings can’t have everything they want, even in the bedroom and in the context of marriage. When we don’t get what we want, we must nurture and take care of that disappointed little girl or boy that lives within us. It is never right to tell your partner there is something wrong with them because they changed. People will change; it’s inevitable, and nothing ever stays the same. Anyway, if you want to break up your family over sexy lingerie and dirty pics, you probably should not have married in the first place.

I think the swinging lifestyle will improve our sexual intimacy, but my partner refuses. For most partners, this is a bridge too far. I have seen numerous couples who destroyed their marriages completely by trying out the swinging lifestyle and have never seen one where it improved their relationship, though I am sure some exist. Guess what usually happens? One partner gets attached to a lover, and now it becomes a love affair, bringing a whole new problem into the relationship. Please don’t do this. If your partner says no, acknowledge with grace their sexual boundary and accept their sexual limits.

They never orgasm during sexual intimacy. Oh my. Actually, 65 percent of women never orgasm during sexual intercourse. These women still enjoy sexual intimacy and penetration and find other ways to orgasm, which is great. Most men find it hard to understand that a woman can completely enjoy sexual intercourse without the orgasmic finish, but they can and do. It is narcissistic and arrogant to think that every person is like you or something is wrong with them if they aren’t. Remember my niece? If your partner tells you they are fine having an orgasm in other ways, then roll with it. Why create a problem where there isn’t one? In other instances, men will blame themselves for not being able to lead their female partner into orgasm during sexual activities. This is usually not the man’s fault or something to make a big deal about. Sure, tell her of your self-doubt and allow her to reassure you. Women’s anatomy can be complicated, surely you know this, and I feel certain they think you are enough, as they have chosen you as their mate. If your woman tells you she is fine, believe her.

I have also talked to men who go through periods where they do not orgasm during sex. Everyone I have talked to who has this issue tells me it bothers their partner more than it bothers them. Again, get a physical checkup to ensure your arteries and chemistry are healthy, and maybe talk to a therapist who can check and see if you have any stressors or problems in the relationship that distract you from the task at hand. If a partner insists they are okay, then accept they are okay, and don’t blame yourself or take it personally if they do not orgasm during sex. If they have any problem with you, we must trust that they’ll tell you about it.

Women’s dirty little secret. A neighbor of mine is in his 70s and talks about sex and his sexual encounters all the time. He is married, and his wife told him 25 years ago that she would never have sex with him again. They moved to separate bedrooms, and he has cheated on her ever since — neither has the desire to divorce. He comes to our resort town on weekends without her, of course, and tells story after story of his sexual conquests with numerous women in various sexual situations. In every story, his female sexual partners told him they’d never had better sex, and they all orgasm numerous times during intercourse. Including his wife! He even turned a lesbian straight — at least for one night — with his sexual gifts, all tales that build on the idea that he is some sexual King Kong that has unlocked the secrets of the female orgasm. He has not, I assure you.

I would bet my life that many of these women are lying to him about how good he is, about how gay they are, and also about how many orgasms they are having. Why? For several reasons. First, he is so sex-obsessed that he has probably told them in advance of his talent and prowess in the bedroom and how women typically respond to him, queuing them in on what is expected. They also probably know that when a man expects or needs her to have more than one orgasm on his watch and that he values that to the extreme, they will oblige by faking an orgasm as the path of least resistance and as a sexual act of kindness. No need for them to tell him the truth, that they probably either have one or no orgasms during sex, because if they do, he will make up that there is something wrong with them, and they don’t want to deal with it. So, they fake it as a defense mechanism not to have to go through judgment or scrutiny of any kind, and so that he can still be King Kong, at least in his own mind. So. what I am saying is that if men make a big deal out of women not having orgasms, women have been known to fake them. When they reveal it, your reaction to who they are will dictate whether they will share all of who they really are.

They want me to do things I am not comfortable with in the bedroom. I once had a male client who was going to divorce his wife if she didn’t engage in frequent anal sex. The wife was distraught over the pressure this demand put on her, and for good reason. First, anal sex is not for everyone, and certainly not for the majority of people, and second, he never mentioned it all when they were dating. In her view, it was sprung on her, and though she wanted to make him happy, she did not want to do it that way. I doubt they are still together because for him, it was do it or I’m gone, a complete violation of sexual boundaries.

I’ve had others who wanted to cross-dress with their spouse, to their spouse’s extreme distress, and still, others want to bring a friend or ex into the picture for a three-way sexcapade. What people do in their bedrooms is their business, but if one partner does not feel comfortable doing something out-of-the-ordinary, then it should never be forced on them through the threat of leaving or anything else. To get along with others, we cannot and must not force our will or pressure anyone to go outside their comfort zone, and if you truly care about your partner, you wouldn’t try to make them. Also, the rule of thumb in boundaries is never to agree to do anything that will cause you to resent the person who is asking you. If your partner asks you to do something you don’t want to, and you would resent doing it, then give them a firm no. It’s definitely okay to say no in the bedroom or anywhere else. Never be afraid to impart a clear message about what you are and are not comfortable with. If a person would leave you over something like that, then it’s probably in your best interest anyway.

My husband watches porn, and I consider it cheating. Men are visually stimulated and typically look at porn at one time or another. Based on evidence from my practice, it is a fairly frequent activity for most men. I remember my dad’s pile of Playboy magazines, which he insisted he read “just for the articles.” Sorry, Dad, you’re busted.

In a research examination of the subject, of 8040 individuals (71.3% men) between the ages of 12 and 85 between 2016 and 2019, over 85 percent reported that their use of pornography, specifically the viewing of different sex couples engaged in sexual intercourse, or (this is my addition) same-sex females, was prevalent. (1) Therefore, we can say that looking at pornography is normal for the heterosexual male population, and I am sure the same is true for the homosexual community. Although researchers have attempted to divide pornography into different classifications, there is still no agreed-upon, research-based formula available for doing that, but there is no doubt that certain types of pornography are more concerning than others. Sexually violent pornography and pornography depicting minors are considered to be far more concerning (and often illegal) than those that depict run-of-the-mill heterosexual sexual activity. These sorts of activities should never be tolerated. But is looking at adult porn a violation of sexual boundaries? I don’t think so.

I work to get women to understand that a man might look at run-of-the-mill pornography that is tape-recorded and still be considered a normal, healthy man, and in my view, that is not cheating. If a person is viewing pornography online that is live, where interaction takes place, I have another view, and that is that it is a terrible violation of trust and boundaries and out of line with healthy marital behaviors. If pornography viewing tips into addiction territory, it means that someone is obsessing and spending inordinate amounts of time watching pornography in a way that affects other aspects of their personal, professional, and sexual lives. This is also not okay and should be dealt with by love and sex addiction professionals. This subject is complicated and has many aspects to consider. For more information on this subject see the work of Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. If what your partner is doing concerns you, or you still have questions, go to a mental health professional and discuss it with them. The more rigid we are in marriage, trying to make rules for our partner and watching them like a hawk are all boundary violations. Don’t be your spouse’s parent, be their partner.

Sexual activity is a big deal in most American marriages and relationships. Yet it is something that requires some level of vulnerability, which leaves us all open to potential injury. One of the most important things about a healthy sexual relationship is that we are kind, accepting, and generous in the processing of the physical piece that most of us value so much. We play a role in our partner’s sexual health and well-being by not damaging them emotionally and helping them to learn to trust people sexually. Never criticize a person’s physical appearance or performance in the bedroom. Telling them what you enjoy and don’t enjoy is part of getting to know one another and that’s fine. Respect their comfort level at all costs. At the end of the day, what is being shared sexually between two people is precious, and we should treat it that way.

1. Ballester-Arnal, R., García-Barba, M., Castro-Calvo, J. et al. Pornography Consumption in People of Different Age Groups: an Analysis Based on Gender, Contents, and Consequences. Sex Res Soc Policy 20, 766–779 (2023). https://doi.org/10.1007/s13178-022-00720-z

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She is also co-host of the Call Your Mother Relationship Show on YouTube and has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!

For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs