Can Temporary Separation Save a Marriage

Done the right way, separation can save marriages. Haphazard separations, with no time frame or guidance from an experienced family therapist, and a couple ends up playing Russian Roulette with their family. I know for a fact that couples end up divorced who shouldn’t have, and my career is dedicated to preventing that from happening. To that end, I’ve managed many separations over the years and created a plan for how to do it mindfully and with a purpose. It’s called a Managed Separation Agreement and is designed specifically so a struggling couple has the best chance for success. I define success as healthy reconciliation, where kinks have been worked out, root issues dealt with, healing and understanding have taken place, and things are forever different and positive moving forward. The more I’ve used it, the more I’ve tweaked and refined it, to the point that it may offer couples who separate the perfect next option before throwing in the towel. Still, I don’t want people to use it if they don’t need it, and there are certain things that must be going on for it to be appropriate.

Why should a couple separate, anyway? I’ve had couples come in wanting to separate who shouldn’t and couples who needed to separate who wouldn’t. My number one goal every time is to diagnose the marriage issues, stabilize whatever marriage crisis is going on, and decide if separation is appropriate in their situation. We also want to stop couples from doing even more damage to their marriages than already exists, which is likely to happen with two people who are emotionally freaking out and relying on what friends, family members, and non-therapist-endorsed Internet searches tell them to do. Separation is a big step. It is serious business, and if we decide to go that route, it will be done for the right reasons, in the right way, and it will be one of the hardest things a couple has ever done.

The dynamics of a couple who need to separate.

When a couple is in crisis, there is almost always one person who is leaning out of the marriage while the other spouse is desperately leaning in. The unhappy spouse has made an announcement of their unhappiness or wish to divorce, or they have been caught communicating…