“There is no ‘winning’ in this, it is not a competition. Mom doesn’t have to be better than Dad, and Dad doesn’t have to be better than Mom. It’s not as if you are the only fun, creative, and huggable one, leaving less for the other parent to claim, as there can be shared qualities between you two.”
― Grace Casper, Dear Parents: Notes From a Child of Divorce

The divorce process brings out the absolute worst in married couples who have been struggling to get along, and my goal as a relationship expert who hates seeing people destroy one another, is to put a stop to that. Although I love keeping families together, I recognize that some can’t be healthy together for a number of reasons, and it is in such cases that it’s in everyone’s best interest that they change their marital status and part. If this is you, listen up. I have a separation agreement plan that helps families transition from marriage into functional and thriving parenting co-captains who happen to live in two locations. My plan for a peaceful transition can change how we divorce in America, and this is very good news; it is also the most important thing you could do for your children when the issue of divorce becomes inevitable.

Caveat: If you are in an abusive relationship, which may include severe mental illness, domestic violence, physical abuse, a person who repeatedly commits adultery, or other unresolved addiction issues, my plan may not be what you need. Our goal is to have cooperative co-parenting between two reasonable people. Abusers, addicts (including some sex addicts), and those who historically exhibit a lack of self-control are probably not healthy enough. They will not have the maturity and self-control required to have a post-marital relationship that works for the higher good of all. All humans are flawed and make mistakes, what I am talking about here is a different level of mistake-making that makes the person not safe to continue interactions with. Only you and/or your marriage therapist will know if you can trust your future ex to do right by the family in a managed divorce process.

For everyone else, if you are a married woman or man, have an unhappy marriage, and have decided to divorce, you owe it to yourself and your family to do it deliberately, mindfully, and in a controlled way. When in the marriage therapy process, I tell couples successful marriages take work. So do successful divorces where children are involved. Breaking a family apart has the potential to wreck each person’s mental and emotional health for many years, even for life, and you can go that route, which millions of Americans do, or you can take the higher, healthier road. Ask yourself now if you want to be the ex-spouse from hell or someone who is reasonable and rational.

Priorities (should) change when you are divorced with kids.

If it is just you and your spouse, destroy one another if you choose, I guess, though I don’t understand why you’d want to, but if you have children, there are no excuses or justifications for being nasty and going low. You will now put your children first, perhaps for the first time, instead of yourself. In such circumstances, it is the only right thing to do.

That may mean not having the exact life you want once you’re single, but children don’t want to divorce in most cases, and if you are going to foist it on them, your sole focus needs to be to get them through it and raised with as little anguish and suffering as possible. Throughout the separation and divorce, and afterward, the child will want alone time with you. Not with you and your friends or you and your “new friend.” I am absolutely sick of seeing families where the kids have been kicked to the curb because of their parent’s divorce and are stuck in a take-it-or-leave-it reality that should have been prevented. You must snap yourself out of any “It’s all about me now” and “I deserve to do what I want” feelings you may have posed to yourself as a reward for suffering in a failing marriage and postpone the free-at-last festivities until your children are at a point where they aren’t as dependent on you as they were. Your children will one day tell the story of how their parents divorced and what happened after that; ask yourself how you want that story to be told. If one of you behaves toward the other unfairly in the divorce process, it will damage your children because they will feel helpless anger that will soon show up in almost every interaction they have. Don’t be one of those families that end up perpetuating the nasty stereotypes and bad-name divorce takes on in American family infamy.

Speaking from experience, “family” lawyers don’t help families.

I have been divorced three times and can speak from experience about what it’s like, for better and worse, and only my first, short, starter marriage had a seamless parting, but we had no money and no children. I have also managed hundreds of marriage crises over 20 years, worked with individuals who are divorcing, and am very familiar with divorce proceedings and can speak with experience and urgency about the need to change the way we do divorce in our culture. Almost every client I’ve ever had who was in a hopelessly unhappy marriage and concluded that they needed to divorce told me, in the beginning, that they wanted it to be amicable. Then, it quickly went south and turned out to be nasty. Why? After much thought and consideration, I must believe that the legal system bears a huge responsibility for ripping families apart and creating consternation that will tear children’s souls. At the end of the day, marriage is a legal agreement between two people, much like starting a business, and if the business must be dismantled, people are programmed to call lawyers. I want to put the idea in your head right now that a lawyer might be what you need, but they also might not be what you need.

Lawyers are trained to be adversarial, even in a divorce case, meaning the opposition is seen as an enemy. In a lawyer’s mind, it’s a fight to the death, no matter the financial or emotional cost, and they will do whatever it takes to win. Part of this strategy is to waste time, run up bills with unnecessary maneuvers, and make you financially and emotionally miserable so that you will cave into their wishes. They will send nasty letters, accuse the “enemy” of crazy things, make nutty and insulting predictions about how their future ex will conduct themselves post-divorce, sprinkle pejorative terms through documents, and threaten to leave the opposition destitute or childless. All things that feel like an existential threat, and those who feel an existential threat often rise to destroy in return, choosing scorched earth tactics that do irreparable damage. This pattern in the divorce process must stop. Also, telling your soon-to-be ex that your lawyer acted unilaterally and without your permission won’t fly. You and you alone are responsible for how your lawyer handles the legal process. I have never met a family lawyer who said they considered that the two opposing sides in a divorce with children must continue working together for years. Instead, they come in, tear up families, cash their checks, and move on to the next family, just like a tornado does to a town. Your attorney will eat filet mignon for years on your dime while you and your family are left with the pieces.

When I was getting divorced from my children’s dad in 1992, I likened how it went down to emotional abuse. I was called lazy and a freeloader by my husband’s lawyer because I had been a stay-at-home mom, and she repeatedly accused me of wanting a life of leisure at his expense. No matter, we lived in Texas, where divorce laws favor good old boys who are usually the main providers and leave those dependent on their mate virtually destitute overnight. Not a great recipe for a family to thrive after a divorce. They threatened to take my two children away because I had started dating — It was wrong to do so, in retrospect, but no reason to threaten custody, and my husband hadn’t touched me in four years, so at age 34, I felt justified.

I was spoken about and characterized as having lost it, described as a mooch and a villain, and it was eons before I recovered from how it was handled. Even though the best revenge is to flourish, be happy, and be successful, which did happen, I had a flaming rage underneath for a long time for being characterized so negatively, and like a pouting child, I lost any motivation to cooperate with my ex; which ultimately hurt our children. How I wish I could go back in time knowing what I know now.

Please learn from our mistakes, and don’t go negative. It is one of my goals in life to make nasty divorces a thing of the past. There’s no need for it other than to satisfy false pride and ego. But in the end, if nothing else motivates you, know that the children pick up the tab for our mistakes, and when you see them struggle, become angry and depressed, and blame themselves for everything, you’ll see what I mean.

In my own despair about what a nightmare the divorce process is for so many, and after becoming a Marriage and Family Therapist and having an insider’s view of other people’s breakups, I created a separation plan for people who plan to divorce that, in my opinion, is rational, reasonable, and offers the best chance for parting in a way that doesn’t take a pound of flesh from each member of the family.

Why, I ask, when people decide to divorce, do they end marriage therapy cold turkey and call a lawyer to begin what will likely become a family war when they could transition to divorce therapy to ease into the process in a compassionate way? It is because most people are not aware that there is another way. Doesn’t it make sense to have a family therapist create a way for co-captains of a family to part ways that consider mental and emotional health, the ability of humans to adjust to new situations, and the fact that couples who have children together will have to deal with one another as a family for many years to come? You can pay a “family” attorney huge sums to massage your pride and ego, to crush and have the last word. Alternatively, you can do right by yourself and your family and approach the divorce process with humility and determination to do it in as healthy a way as possible. Allowing a family therapist to guide you through most of the divorce process will save you thousands of dollars in the long run.

The best divorce plan for families.

In my plan, available at this link, the process of dismantling the family together in one household is slowed down. Though many might say, “I want it over with as soon as possible,” that may not be the healthiest choice for the family. In the New Divorce, you will consider what is in the highest good of all rather than just yourself. Too many changes in a short period of time can lead to various illnesses, sorry, but a human brain can handle only so much stress at a time. Done in increments, over a period of up to one year, a couple works out most of their divorce case with a family therapist. Then, the things you disagree on can be handed over to a mediator and someone who understands the legal ramifications and important financial details like how to handle health insurance and 401Ks. As much as I admonish the legal profession for destroying families, you will need someone who knows divorce laws in your state to look to make sure it is fair and marital property is divided properly. There are different ways to approach it.

It’s possible that you’ll want to hire a lawyer as you are dismantling a business. However, you can find family therapists and other professionals who are trained mediators in your state and know divorce law as well. However, in a kinder and gentler divorce, I ask that a couple only hire a collaborative lawyer or a collaborative professional rather than an adversarial one for final oversight. Collaborative lawyers and professionals do not litigate; they negotiate all terms between adults, and a judge and court hearings are not allowed. Properly trained legal or mental health professionals can handle all or some of it, depending on how much you can work it out on your own or with a therapist. Dragging your partner to court over and over should be avoided at all costs, and a collaborative professional won’t allow it. See the links for these types of resources below.

All this said both partners should get all they are legally entitled to. I have clients all the time who start the divorce process by saying they will never pay child support or spousal support, but if the divorce laws say they must, they must. If you built a multimillion-dollar company and want your spouse to take less than 50 percent, you’ll be treading on thin ice toward Nasty Divorce Land even to ask. To partners who are likely to end up on the less financially solid end of a divorce deal, it’s about survival, and their brains will be hyper-vigilant about making sure they get enough to support themselves and their children. If you don’t like the way divorce laws are, work to change the law. But trying to handle a divorce case your way and on your terms, without regard for what the law says, creates acrimony, and it’s acrimony that destroys your ability to co-parent as well as your children’s psyches. Let your collaborative professional tell you what the law says, and then develop an equitable distribution in line with that. Do unto your soon-to-be former husband or wife as you would have them do unto you. And no matter what you do, do not threaten a fight for child custody. Nothing takes a divorce down the toilet hole faster than telling someone you’ll take their children away. It is in children’s best interest to have equal access to both parents, even if one of the parents isn’t the greatest.

Seventeen states in the United States don’t want to hear about who did what to whom and are known as strictly no-fault divorce states. The other 33 states offer no-fault divorce as an option. I strongly recommend going the no-fault route if you want the most amicable outcome. The purpose of siting reasons for divorce is to shame and humiliate, and pointing out a person’s sexual sin or other marital mistakes serves no positive purpose. Don’t do it. My plan will instruct you on handling everything with friends, family, and more. Hint: Keep them out of it. You will shield your children from any ugliness involved in the process. If you believe your child’s parent is a demon, keep it to yourself. The kids will figure it all out sooner or later on their own, and they will ask questions. I’ll never forget the day my kids came home from a weekend at their dad’s and said, “We think we know why you divorced dad.” Yep, they had started to see it, too. Let nature take its course; even if you start the journey cast as the villain, children will eventually figure it all out. Have faith that things turn out the way they’re supposed to.

The subject of divorce, dividing time with children, and splitting property creates anxiousness and fury in anyone who has been through it. Our brains will probably process such cases as a painful experience and something that must be grieved. There is no avoiding that. But we can avoid negative actions and behaviors during divorce proceedings that make it impossible for two co-parents to get along moving forward. If divorce is what you really want and need, do it in the most benign way possible. In addition to showing couples different ways to do this, my plan for parting also teaches couples how to handle their children throughout the process and moving forward. A divorce isn’t over when the divorce papers are signed. As couples move forward, they often want to date and meet new people. I have very strong feelings about the issue of remarriage and dating after divorce and how it affects children, based on my professional experience, and suggest you read my blog about blended families so you will be aware of all the potential pitfalls at this link https://medium.com/@doctorbecky/how-to-make-a-marriage-work-with-stepchildren-ce075cc232cb. The subject of bringing new people into your children’s lives is also addressed in the agreement I have created.

As I said, divorce isn’t over when the official certificate of divorce is signed. In fact, when you have children, there cannot be a true divorce unless you remove yourself from your children’s lives, which I hope you see as not an option. Even if you plan to move away after your divorce and have a long-distance parenting situation, I will try to talk you out of it. Your children need regular access to you, period. If you are determined to remain close to your children, which is the only right choice, you will see your former husband or wife at events of all kinds throughout your children’s lives.

Not married, but a family for life.

In my case, we had an unexpected reason to be around each other again in 2011 when our 24-year-old US. Marine son was killed in Afghanistan 18 years following our divorce. There we were, thrust back together, making decisions about his body, what type of funeral he would have, where he would be buried, and what it would say on his gravestone. Meanwhile, our 21-year-old daughter and only surviving child nervously went back and forth between our households and would coach me on how not to piss her moody father off. All this while dealing with the shock of our precious brother and son’s death. Thank goodness the Marines sat us down at the very beginning and said everything is the mom’s decision when an unmarried Marine is killed. Otherwise, I would have felt like I was going through another divorce, as anything I’d ever asked of him since we split was always met with the answer no. The man was a black-and-white thinker, and to him, you are either in the club or out, no in between. In the years following our divorce, he had been a real pain, never an extra dime financially, and even filing for custody once because the extra night he got to see the children while I was in graduate school was taken away once I finished going to class at night. He lost that battle, thankfully.

Though we lived four miles apart, most of the food, flowers, and friends gathered at his house, and I was never invited to come over, but I understood that one who wasn’t empathetic while we were married wasn’t going to be empathetic now. Alas, I still wasn’t home-free; my son’s dad refused to share his belongings when they were returned to us from Afghanistan, including an 88-page hand-written journal, and I had to hire a lawyer and take him to court to get him to share — it took me four years and $10,000 to get to read the loving words my son had to say about me in that book, and to see that the inside cover was plastered with photos of me and our dogs. Invaluable to my heart. Keep these sorts of things in mind … you can’t know all how your ex will enter and re-enter your life over the years, and if you share a history of reasonableness, it may carry you a long way and reap benefits for a very long time. Because of what happened with our son, I insisted our daughter have a will and specific instructions about what to do if she passed away, and her dad was appalled that I did that, but I’m no dunce. Learn from mistakes and move on. Our chance at cooperative co-parenting has long passed, and all I can do now is help you avoid similar land mines.

No one I know has ever regretted being reasonable, rational, and compassionate during the divorce process and after, but plenty regret being uncooperative and ugly. Watching your children struggle in life, school, and relationships and realizing they are carrying divorce-related junk that has blasted their self-esteem to shreds will be on you and your partner. Control yourselves, be kind and reasonable, and make your children proud. Being mindful and deliberate in your intentions is good; think things through before making decisions, and plan what you need to say and how to say it. Ironically, you now need the same type of behavior that might have made your marriage work, but if you weren’t motivated to control yourself for your partner, maybe you will be for your children. Emotional adults are mindful and control themselves, and emotional children are impulsive and spout off nasty remarks with no regard for what it does to people.

If you enjoyed this article, you might also enjoy this … https://medium.com/@doctorbecky/51-ways-to-heal-after-divorce-tips-to-heal-and-rebuild-3cd7baed2dbc

Resources:

Collaborative professionals, mediators, alternative dispute resolution, and divorce therapists. Can include lawyers, mental health therapists, and more. Most states have listings through their state judiciary website for access, visitation, custody, and mediation services.

Information on collaborative professionals: https://globalcollaborativelaw.com/

Understanding mediation. amsadr.com

Divorce therapists. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/divorce

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Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach. She is also co-host of the Call Your Mother Relationship Show on YouTube and has a private practice in Little Rock, Arkansas, as a life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!

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