The Number One Reason Your Spouse Doesn’t Want to Have Sex With You.

The Number One Reason Your Spouse Doesn’t Want to Have Sex With You.

It’s Probably Not What You Think.

Men and women in relationships are being sexually rejected and they’re extremely frustrated.

“Sandy never initiates sex,” says Bruce, who has been married for 15 years and sits on my couch with his arms locked in front of his chest. “She seems to dread having sex, I don’t even feel like she likes me.”

I look toward Sandy, hoping she doesn’t miss this golden opportunity to reassure him. “Of course I like you,” she says. “I am still attracted to you. I do love you. There are reasons for all of this, some I can pinpoint, others, I can’t.”

The reasons Sandy is aware of are: “I am tired, or just not in the mood.” She’s a busy woman, enjoying a fulfilling career and doing most of the managing of two pre-teen children and all their activities. She says life is so full of chores and duties, she just doesn’t think about sex that much.

Later that afternoon, another couple, Sue and husband Jorge have the same issue. Sue points at Jorge and says he has become a sexual slug. “He never comes for me, I feel like I have to beg him to have sex. I feel unattractive and undesired.”

Jorge looks down at his lap and says, “You are attractive and desired, I don’t know what’s wrong with me,”

These are common marital intimacy and sexual apathy issues. If the subject is ever brought up, it will usually be one person blaming it on themselves and not the other, mainly because the subject of sex in marriage is so sensitive that most individuals tread very carefully so as not to hurt the other — “We aren’t having sex like we did, it must be me.” Is it true some things are better left unsaid? Sometimes, but if it weighs on your ability to enjoy the marriage, and resentment is seeping in, you must bring up your concerns in a loving, compassionate, respectful and diplomatic way.

Most people get that overwhelmed and anxious people probably don’t think about sex that much, it’s understandable, but it must be temporary. Get your life in balance and turn back to your relationship.

But there is another, very important reason sexual relations slow or stop, and that’s because couples stopped doing the things they once did that got their mate to think of them in that way, the romantic way. When relationships are new, it’s easy. Both sides obsess about each other and make time for each other. We present our best self to our mate, we are kind, thoughtful and attentive. This is what keeps the romantic fires stoked. But by the time couples like Bruce and Sandy, Sue and Jorge come in, they have stopped all that, and they’ve romantically drifted apart. The longer you don’t think and act romantically about your mate, the harder it is to return to it, but it can be done.

Bruce’s romantic flame isn’t totally out, of course, that’s almost never the case with anyone. Like most, he can be kind and thoughtful, but not nearly enough to put him on Sandy’s sexual radar with regularity. Women need more than fumes to keep them sexually engaged with someone, they need continual wooing, flirting, generosity and kindness. This is the work of marriage. Men need focused attention, too.

With women, most know they need to be revved up to get to the same place of desire where most men start off, and can’t get “there” 5 minutes before the target sex time. Bruce admits his idea of foreplay is to walk in the room a few minutes before bedtime and say something like, “What are the chances I can get laid tonight?” That sort of crude engagement will leave a woman cold, and if she does agree to sex, it will take place in a state of resignation and awareness that this decision is seen as a duty performed to placate a partner’s urges, rather than the moment of emotional intimacy and romantic fun it was meant to be. The man will feel this, of course, and wrongly make up a meaning that he is sexually unappealing to her, then fall into his toxic shame and resentment where he will tell himself terrible things and needlessly allow the relationship’s stock to drop. Just like Bruce. In my experience, what is usually going on is that the rejected spouse has stopped bringing their best, most loving self to the relationship, which would have naturally led to their partner feeling romantic warmth toward them. If either partner stops treating the other like a boy or girlfriend, they will emotionally and sexually drift apart, it’s intimacy math.

Jorge and Sue have the same issue, he stopped doing all the things Sue needed to stay romantically engaged, and she’s in a state anguished protest that will lead to total emotional disconnect if he doesn’t step up to the plate.

Revelation: Most people aren’t thinking of having sex with human porcupines, grouches, those who have lost their vim and verve (at least around their mate), and people who have allowed themselves to get mentally and/or emotionally unhealthy. Bring negative energy to the household, and your family will run for the hills. It is every partner’s responsibility to bring the opposite of that to their relationship, no excuses.

I’ve had plenty of clients who have told me they lost interest in sex because penetration got painful, hormones or testosterone were out of whack, or some other physiological reason messed them up, then never did anything about it. If sex is an important part of your relationship to at least one person, a partner has to be on top of these issues seeking answers and solutions as soon as they show up rather than slink back into resignation that “This is just the way it is.” Most partners who maintain their sexual desire and have a mate with issues of this sort will not tolerate a lifetime of intimate lockout, and if it happens, will eventually leave or have an affair.

This sort of thing can be prevented by dedicating yourself to bringing your best self to your relationship. If you don’t feel that way right now, you need to figure out what will get you there and do it. Love is a verb, and you cannot love your mate without doing the actions that make them feel loved. It can’t just be what you are capable of or feel like doing. It has to be directed at their individual needs and desires. Failure to do this leads to two people living in a parallel universe, who are not connecting. It doesn’t have to be this way. Proactive action is always the way out of marital unhappiness.

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D. is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas and licensed LPC in Arkansas. Her licenses are under her legal name, Becky Whetstone Cheairs. Her web sites are www.doctorbecky.com and www.marriagecrisismanager.com. She welcomes your comments.