Fear of losing the guy syndrome: Should I have sex if I am really not ready to?

Fear of losing the guy syndrome: Should I have sex if I am really not ready to?

A blog reader recently sent me this:

“I read about your Rules for Romantic Self-Protection advice on your web site’s section for singles, and one of the rules was; “No sex before commitment is mutually expressed”.

When I express this concept to guys I’m dating, they often say “Sex is a very important part in a relationship. And I can’t give you the commitment of a relationship unless I know I am sexually compatible with my partner.”

When I explained that waiting gives us more time to build up love and respect, they say, “I have so much respect for you, and I do not calculate or keep track of when, how soon, or how many dates it takes for you to have sex with me, and then use that to measure how much respect I have for you. Women do that. That is just not how men think”.

I don’t know what to think or do this situation. I feel like if I don’t give in, then I am halting the relationship to go any further.”

Signed, Anonymous

Here is what I said:

Dear Anonymous,

Let’s discuss the subject of having sexual intercourse with a man early in a relationship, and my six concepts that go along with that:

1. Stick to your boundaries. Ask yourself, what do I want to do? If you are not ready for sex for whatever reason, don’t do it. When being true to yourself, use yourself and your feelings as the compass, not what other people want. If a man won’t respect your sexual boundary (I intentionally use the word won’t instead of can’t), then what he is telling you is: My sex life is more important than the sexual boundary you have set for yourself.” That is a huge red flag, my dear. A man who truly respects and cares about you as the human being you are, as opposed to a sexual object he would like to conquer, will do whatever it takes to win a commitment of steady dating from you. Don’t allow yourself to be pushed or pressured.

2. Dating is no big deal. A dating commitment that designates romantic exclusivity does not mean we will marry that person, so dating someone for a while is not the big deal some women seem to make of it. All it means is — let ‘s test drive us for a bit to see if we are compatible. Sex can come sooner, later or never in that scenario, it’s your decision. If a man is serious about you, he will allow you to set your own rhythm and pace in the relationship.

3. Be in your power in relationships. When you say, “I feel like if I don’t give in, then I am halting the relationship to go any further,” it tells me that you do not value yourself, as you are considering betraying you so that a man can have his sex in the timeframe he wants it, and with most men, that timeframe is very short. I have news for you, women are the power in the relationship, we are the ones who decide if it will proceed. Without us, there is no relationship. No need to change for, or sell yourself to, a man. Just be you, be out there, and you will meet men who will desire you without having to bend and morph into who they want you to be. I would much rather you adopt an attitude of, “Hey men, sell yourself to me. Show me what you have that I want.” Let him prove to you that he is worthy of having you in his life.

4. Men will mislead. I have had hundreds if not thousands of single men in my office over the years, and you know what they have told me? That they are dirty dogs!!! They have told me that they will say or do anything for sex, especially on the front end of a relationship when they are not emotionally involved. They have also told me that if women knew how filthy they are with their thoughts and desires, they wouldn’t have anything to do with men. They literally clean themselves up behaviorally in order to attain a woman. (When I read this answer to my husband, he nodded his head in agreement.)

5. Create a policy for yourself to be healthy in dating relationships. The reason I wrote the Rules for Romantic Self-Protection back in 1996 was because of my many dating failures. I kept getting dumped, shed many tears, and decided I needed a game plan to stay healthy while dating. Upon analysis of my relationship patterns, I found that if I had sex with a man too soon, before the relationship had legs, I would get emotionally involved, connect, and start forming a bond. Then, when he decided it was a no-go it would take me three months to recover from it. To avoid needless emotional turmoil, I decided that it was not wise for me to have sex until I knew for sure that we’d be seeing each other for a while. If you are the type that gets attached when you have sexual intercourse, then you might want to wait to have sex with people who are solid and respectful, and who won’t disappear the next day. This is emotional and sexual self-care. Take a look at your patterns, figure out what doesn’t work, and fix it.

6. The Law of Most Effort. In 1997 I interviewed Men are from Mars guru, John Gray about being single, and what he said helped a lot in the development of my stance on women, sex, and dating. He had just released a book for singles in 1997 called, “Venus and Mars on a Date,” and explained that if women give men sex without having to do much work for it, such as very little romance and wooing and time put in to attaining her affection, then the woman is teaching him that he will also have to put in little effort in the relationship overall. “If a man has to earn his way into a woman’s heart and bed, then he will know he has to work to keep the woman in his life,” he said. I found that to be profound.

I hope answering this question helped Ms. Anonymous. Where there is a woman asking a question like that, there are millions more just like her, who believe that they must go outside their value system and do things they don’t really want to do in order to have a relationship, and to that, I say, hell no. In our culture, too many women do not use their immense power to attract and orchestrate the type of relationship they long for — one where the man adores and respects her and makes her a priority, just the way she is.