How to Get to Know the Different Voices in Your Head.

Getting to know the different parts of your personality is fascinating and can help you become healthier and happier. Graphic: Adobe Stock/agsandrew

One of the things that has helped me understand people, personal relationships, and why we all do what we do is learning that we all have different parts within our personalities. I think of it as several people that talk to me in my head; I listen as each attempts to elbow its way into consideration and influence me to do what it wants. All of us experience this phenomenon, and it’s not to be confused with schizophrenia, where people say they “see and hear voices.”

The voices we hear are different parts of us, wanting different things. Some may be dysfunctional and lead us to do self-destructive things; others attempt to lead us to health and happiness, and still, others try to protect us from being hurt. Then there’s everything else in between. Overachieving and ambitious Becky wants to get some more writing done; the leisurely and fun-loving part of Becky wants to nap and then watch Netflix. My most responsible self wants me to prepare taxes. Who will get me to take the actionable steps they most want? How do I manage the voices and decide which one to listen to?

Getting clients to become aware of the different parts of themselves that are vying for their attention is fascinating, and they love it. As we identify their various parts, I ask them to visualize and name them. When we get to know these parts, we can better see the ones that lift us up and take us down, and self-awareness changes everything. Whereas the worst part of me would be under the surface, occasionally urging me to do self-sabotaging things, now that I have pulled her up out of the basement and into the light, I know who she is, what she wants, and when she’s likely to work to get my attention.

It started with Freud.

Sigmund Freud was the first to say humans had three parts to their personality. He named the three parts the Super-ego, the Ego, and the ID. Below, I have made a graphic to help clients understand how the different parts play out …

Freud’s three parts of the personality. Two of them have a positive and a negative side. The trick of life is staying on the positive side, with each part in balance. Graphic: Becky Whetstone, Ph.D.

The three parts.

Think of each part as a voice that speaks to you in your head. Here is how that might sound when it’s doing what it’s supposed to do:

Superego: I’ve got to get this project finished this weekend.

Ego: Yes, that’d be great, but you are exhausted and need to take a break. You don’t have to do it all this weekend, it’s not urgent. Your children and wife want to spend time with you.

Id: Yeah, I hoped to go to the lake, sit outside, and play with the kids. Maybe I will go ahead and do that. That sounds really nice.

In a healthy person, all three circles are balanced. The Super-ego and ID must get their needs met enough to be satiated, and if they don’t, a person’s personality is likely to switch over to the negative side of the three circles. This is when our worst selves show up and do damage to ourselves and others. Ideally, you should be able to sense or feel when you are working or playing too much and then respond when your ego tells you to pull back.

This is NOT Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD).

When I do this work with people, they often ask if they have MPD. First, they don’t call it that anymore; today, the diagnosis is known as Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). In this very serious and incurable disorder, the parts of the personality are not aware of one another. So if I am being Suzy, the good little girl, and switch over to Nasty Nancy, neither one has any idea the other exists.

The rest of us have our different parts that Freud named; each one is aware of the other, and each part has offshoots. My husband has a part I call Sargeant Cheairs (pronounced Chairs). Sgt Cheairs comes from his Super-ego and is very vigilant about safety and hazard precautions. He makes sure things are locked down and unplugged, patrols for dangers, and hates riding in cars when others are driving (they hate it, too, because he points out every potential mistake, problem, or potential hazard along the way.) I can tell when my husband’s usual self is in the room and when it’s Sargeant Cheairs. They have different energy, carry themselves differently, and even have different facial expressions.

I could let Sargeant Cheairs drive me nuts, but turning him into a character we can talk about has made this issue become something that amuses us both to no end. He embraces the character and has even started talking in a British accent when he finds hazards and unlocked doors, signaling the arrival of you-know-who. We both imagine him in an Army uniform, making sure everything in the house is perfect. If we didn’t have so much fun with it, it would have the potential to lower the stock of our marriage, and that’s what I want to point out to you. If you have an annoying part of your personality, create a persona around it, give the part a name, imagine what it looks like, and talk and laugh about it. Every human relationship needs a solid sense of humor about one another’s quirks and eccentricities to keep from going mad.

What Carl Jung said.

Carl Jung (1) worked with Freud but later branched off and developed his own ideas about the personality, broadening our understanding. He said there were four archetypes that form our personalities: the personathe shadow, the anima/animus, and the self, and we can better understand ourselves by understanding them. Jungian therapy is still popular today, and I use it all the time in my practice with hypnosis, analyzing dreams, and helping clients pinpoint archetypes like Sargeant Cheairs.

I’m not going to share everything about Jung’s complicated theory of the personality, but I do think it’s worthwhile to point out the four archetypes:

1. The Persona. The false face or mask we show to the world. We all learn to conform in childhood and end up playing roles of who we think we ought to be based on what our parents, peers, and other influencers want us to be. The most common ones I see are pleasers, perfectionists, overachievers, rebels, rescuers, fixers, martyrs, caretakers … and none of these reveal who we really are. The majority of people spend their entire lives in their persona, which is sad because it has nothing to do with who you really are.

2. The Anima/Animus. Experienced unconsciously, whatever gender you identify with, the anima/animus part of your personality is the opposite of that. It is the male part of me, for example. All of us are a combination of male and female traits, though some (needlessly) feel threatened by the idea. I am in the male part of my personality when I am working, having to be confident and decisive. I am in my female energy when I am being soft, nurturing, and vulnerable. There is a lot more to this, worthy of another blog, but for now, understand we all have traits of both genders within us. One reason it’s important to understand male and female energy within us is because it directly affects the romantic and sexual chemistry between two people. For example, if I have a female client who is hard and managerial like a man, she will not have sexual chemistry with her husband, who is also that way. We need the polar energies for romantic and sexual chemistry.

3. The Shadow. The part of us we reject, disown, or don’t recognize. Jung described this as the opposite of our persona … it is more authentic and wants to hold you accountable to being true to yourself. Sometimes it does that in self-destructive ways. It also projects our disowned or unrecognized traits onto others. I have seen the shadow do some crazy and dangerous things to force a client to be true to themself, which could have been prevented if a client could learn to come out of their persona and act authentically. Trust me, being true to yourself is the only path to mental and emotional health.

4. The Self. This is us as we really are. It unifies all the different types and personalities within us without covering up or hiding any of them. A healthy self can be itself, warts and all. One issue I see frequently is that a client has decided subconsciously that they must be seen by others as good and perfect — this would be an issue from the persona.

If a persona must be seen as perfect, it will never allow you to admit fault in any situation, which is not conducive to healthy relationships. The self can admit fault and understand we humans are all imperfect, weird, and mistake-makers, and it’s okay with that. I encourage everyone to embrace this idea.

Why it’s important to understand our different selves.

Numerous theories of counseling have incorporated our different selves in understanding who we are and why we do what we do. Each one is a little different, and most are very helpful. It’s an important first step to identify the different voices and understand their agenda.

I often tell clients that my family was obsessed with eating when I was a child, and we’d go to an all-you-can-eat buffet and load up our plates. (My dad believed in eating, not dining.) Dad would inspect our plates and beg us to pile them higher and eat more. If we didn’t do it ourselves, he’d bring some himself and throw it on our plate, whether we wanted it or not. For the longest time, I thought feeling nauseated after a meal was normal. On the other hand, my family was fat-phobic and would talk about the status of everyone’s weight when they weren’t around.

Later in life, I realized I had two different parts that represented these dysfunctional family traits. I envisioned Ursula the Sea Witch from Little Mermaid on one end of the couch, saying in her gravelly voice, “When are we going to eat?” and a smoking, skeletal female on the other end waving her cig at me and saying, “Don’t get fat.” Once I was able to identify those terribly dysfunctional voices, their under-the-radar influence in my life was done. I decided to listen to my self, which was healthy and balanced Becky, who sits between the two and is determined to eat when hungry and in moderation. That’s a win.

An exercise to discover some of your voices.

Here are some of the most common voices that my clients have … see if you have any of them, and if you do, visualize them, then try to figure out where they came from. For example, I know the food and fat-obsessed voices I had came from my family’s weird eat-tons-but-don’t-get-fat dynamic. Realizing these things kills these negative voices’ power over you moving forward.

  • The taskmaster. Has endless lists of things you need to get done and does not like you to sit still.
  • The critic or judge. Constantly critiques everything you do, how you do it, and maybe even how you look.
  • The protector. The part of you that defends and protects you, puts out personal fires.
  • The controller. Wants things their way. Will manipulate to get it done.
  • The martyr. You bloody yourself to please others.
  • The victim. It’s never your fault.
  • Ambitious egomaniac. Claws to attain significance.
  • The addict. The part of you that does whatever it is, too much, and will not be stopped.
  • Nasty teen. A sassy or nasty teenager who loves telling people off and having the last word.
  • The impulsive one. I want it, and I want it now.

There are a lot more, but hopefully, you understand what I’m saying here. Get to know the voices and their purpose for being in your head, and take the dysfunctional voice and get that need met in a functional way. For example, I don’t need Ursula the Sea Witch to remind me to eat, and I don’t need the skeletal smoker to warn me about getting fat. I have my healthy self, who can manage both of these things in a way that is balanced and compassionate.

(1) https://www.simplypsychology.org/carl-jung.html

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She is also co-host of the Call Your Mother Relationship Show on YouTube and has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!

For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.

Three Priorities that Create Happy, Successful, Families.

You must get your priorities straight for a happy life and a thriving family. Take this wise message to heart and transform your life with much less stress. Photo: Becky Whetstone/AI

People don’t have their priorities straight, and it’s a sad fact that it’s messing up their lives. I imagine it’s like everything else I talk about here; they don’t because of the ignorance we all share initially regarding dating, marriage, family, and individual mental and emotional health. You might have a perfect score on the SAT, degrees from the best schools, and be a member of MENSA. Still, I assure you that unless you have specifically studied healthy mental and emotional health for individuals and relationships, at the end of the day, you have no idea what you’re doing when it comes to setting healthy life priorities.

Life is difficult for everyone, and we are all trying to figure it out. As we move through each season of life, we start careers, get married, have kids, deal with biological families, and maintain friendships and hobbies, and available time slots become short. We end up juggling the major categories in our lives while few things or people get our full attention, and often, it turns into an exercise of numerous plates spinning on a stick, like a Chinese acrobat. In cases like that, the lack of knowing where to put our focus and for how long, we end up stressed, overwhelmed, and miserable. We chase the plates that are about to fall off the stick, and they become our immediate priority. And before too long, the complaints start to come. Your needs aren’t met, your partner’s needs aren’t met, and no one is happy, especially you.

Career, spouse, biological family, hobbies, kids, responsibilities, friends, rest, exercise … how do you figure out how much time and focus to devote to each one? When I talk to couples who are experiencing problems, I almost always find that the priorities are completely out of whack and time management is non-existent. Personal and marital satisfaction (of course) is nowhere to be found. This tells me they have no idea what healthy priorities are or how to weed out unnecessary things and delegate, so they try to do it all themselves.

How I wish when we all got our adult cards and when we wed, a short article and list of priorities written by a Marriage and Family Therapist like me was dispensed to everyone. I’d also want proof that what was in it was understood. Since that doesn’t happen, I’m going to give you one now and explain the reasoning behind each one. The list is intentional and based on experience and what research tells us works best for mental health and for families.

Weeding unnecessary things off your list of priorities.

Most people overestimate how much they can have on their plate at one time, says motivational guru Tony Robbins, and he is correct. Years ago, when I was working on myself and trying to stop my depression and panic attacks, I learned this lesson. I had piled my life plate up like my only meal of the week at an all-you-can-eat buffet. At my therapist’s urging, I drastically cut back on my responsibilities and obligations, and life began to change. I realized it was like eliminating things from your diet to see what you might be allergic to. I eliminated unnecessary commitments and waited to see how I felt. This was a good way to measure how these things affected my mental and emotional health.

Almost immediately, I felt relief. My body became less tight, aches and pains and tightness in my chest went away, and I began to experience what good health is all about. Once I noticed this, there was no way I was ever going to go back to the buffet and load my plate. I wasn’t going to sell my mental health out so others could be happy.

However, one thing to be aware of is that we will all become overwhelmed at certain times even though we are on top of managing our well-being. Things can happen that are beyond our control. The important thing is to notice if the situation is temporary. Hopefully, it is because your soul needs to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. If it isn’t then you may need to delegate, ask for help, and do what you must to get yourself back to balance.

Understanding that one of the most common disabilities that comes with childhood developmental trauma is to become anti-dependent, which means you have adapted to become needless and wantless, and unable and unwilling to ask for help or even to share the burdens you feel, that will have to be addressed so you can learn that in a healthy partnership and life, people help one another.

As you consider what your priorities and obligations are now, think seriously about which ones might be eliminated altogether. I remember vividly having about ten things on my list of must-dos at the time, and I winnowed it down to three. Me, my husband, and children. Other things were still on my list of things I cared about, like my biological family and friends, but they were no longer priorities.

The Inner Peace Circle

I have spent untold hours explaining what mismanagement of time and responsibilities does to human beings and finally decided to create a graphic that shows it beyond a doubt. It’s one of the most powerful tools I have to illustrate the message of how important priorities and boundaries are. The center of the circle is what we all seek — inner peace. How do you get inner peace? By being true to yourself. What is being true to yourself? Doing things that you enjoy and feel right, things that put you in a good mood and positive vibration. Humans need as much of that as they can get. When we pile too much on our plates, do too many things we don’t enjoy, dread, or take our peace away, we will feel uncomfortable feelings in our bodies and pay a price. PS. Life wasn’t meant to be a miserable experience.

The Inner Peace Circle shows what happens if we ignore our body’s messages. The farther away from the center, the more unhealthy it is. Learning how to manage your mental and emotional health like a business is imperative, keeping yourself in the black and not overdrawn. The root cause of most of our suffering is often not getting enough of what we need and want.

I created this graphic to illustrate how vital it is to manage your life like a business … tweaking and editing as needed in order to maintain your inner peace. Graphic: Becky Whetstone, Ph.D.

The Inner Peace Circle shows what happens to humans if they are out of balance and not true to themselves. Graphic: Copyright@Becky Whetstone, Ph.D.

The (healthy) list of priorities.

1. Yourself. At the top of anyone’s list should be your own health and well being. This person is self-aware, tuned in, and pays attention to themself, as described by the Inner Peace Circle. Some segments of our culture have long taught that it is selfish to put yourself first, and nothing angers me more. Terms like selfless, used as a compliment, you deserve it, suggesting that you must have bloody knuckles in order to have good times, is insane. Throw those ideas in the trash as plans for self-destruction. The idea that life is suffering is wrong and you have to wait until you die to experience the good is nuts. There is much good to be had now if you will manage your life in a healthy way and bring yourself into balance.

Why are you number one on the list of priorities? Because a healthy, balanced you has energy and sparkle, and a person with energy and sparkle can bring that to everything else they do. You can’t have a healthy marriage or thriving young children if you aren’t bringing your best self to the family. A depleted you, operating on fumes, is a great plan for having a dysfunctional family system. Also, showing your children that taking care of yourself is a necessary and wonderful thing is some of the best role modeling you could do. The airline analogy of “If the oxygen mask falls down, put it on yourself first, then your children” is a perfect example of how it works. Without a healthy you, there cannot be a healthy family.

2. Marriage. To have a great marriage that thrives over the lifespan, you have to spend a lot of time thinking about and focusing on it and treating your spouse like the girlfriend or boyfriend you wooed and dated. Almost all romances begin with seduction on both sides when the human mind is in a state of enveloping obsession. Romance is fun and easy, then. Then life gets difficult as we get busy with careers and children start to arrive (if they do). Almost every couple I talk to tells me their marital relationship issues began when they had children. There’s nothing like working all day or staying home with the kids, then having continued chaos in the evening when you’re already exhausted, to destroy any thoughts of physical intimacy or emotional connection.

Both partners are exhausted, of course, and both need rest and adult conversation, and with high maintenance, super-immature, and emotional children, it is next to impossible. (The nature of a child is to be unruly, like a wild animal. The idea that we can get them to behave like adults is laughably ridiculous.) When couples describe this common scenario, I ask, “Can you afford a nanny, a babysitter, do you have family that can help, what resources for assistance do you have, and what options do you have?” Time and again, couples tell me they cannot afford babysitters or child care on a regular basis, or their town is too small, they don’t want others watching their children, family isn’t near, they have no friends they could take turns with.

My oldest sister was 17 years older than I am and had two tiny children in 1966. She stayed at home, her husband worked, and he was very private with his finances, and she perceived him as frugal — she had no idea how much money they had. She was in a constant state of overwhelm with her children, he wasn’t helpful, and after 22 years of marriage they divorced, of course it was initiated by her.

However, I will never forget her giving me advice when I was in college, way before I married and had children. She said, “Becky, don’t have kids until you can afford help or a babysitter.” She described what not having help was like, and it sounded horrible.

I took her advice to heart, and when I did have children, I tried taking care of them on my own for a while and almost lost my mind. I hired a live-in nanny, and although my marriage didn’t make it, it’s not because we were stressed over the children. If you have no funds, friends, or family who can help you have enough freedom to rest and focus on yourselves and each other, and you don’t want others watching your children, I don’t know what to tell you. If I were in your shoes, I would try and come up with a solution. Otherwise, you must make a pact that you will not let these exhausting years suck your marriage dry.

I am saying that marriage comes before children. In no way should your children come first, except under special circumstances like birthdays, illness, and hospitalization. Children do not benefit when we make them the center of our universe. They need to learn how to entertain themselves and honor the relationship that brought them into this world. Their time of coming first will arrive when they’re finally on their own. As self-centered as children are, most would want their parents to be happy and want you to make their relationship an important priority.

New parents, especially moms, are surprised when they first have a child and find themselves madly in love with this precious little baby. These feelings of love are usually something a new mother has never felt before, and it is easy for your spouse’s significance to pale in comparison. I didn’t invent the phenomenon of one parent feeling left out of the child/parent bond. You must be aware of this and overrule your instinct to replace your spouse in your heart with your baby. It will be hard, but it is the only way to ensure that your family unit maintains a solid foundation and the needs of the entire family are met. We are shooting for enough love and attention for the child and your spouse, not one or the other.

3. Kids. As I said, under the number two priority, the marriage category, kids must come behind the marriage as far as your priorities are concerned. I addressed it pretty clearly there, and wise couples will make certain they spread the love and attention around so everyone gets enough of what they need. Note that I used the word, enough. Most of us can’t have all of what we want and need in a family system, but the most important thing is finding that sweet spot where everyone is satisfied.

4. Career. Suppose you weren’t born into life’s scholarship plan, where you have enough inheritance or trust fund money to support your family your entire life, making having a career optional, then you will have to work. When a career is necessary, it’s understood that it will require a big chunk of your life, time, and focus. This is a tough dynamic to get into balance, especially for men, whose brains are wired such that purpose is their primary focus. For most women, it is love. Here’s the rub, though: If you choose to create a family with a spouse and children, and you must work, you still have to meet their basic needs for love, quality time, attention, and connection. This goes for both genders. You can’t expect to put your immediate family on a shelf and expect them to be there like a favorite unread book when you come out of your workaholism or retire. I tell single people who love their careers that if you don’t practice the healthy priorities listed here, I strongly suggest you stay single.

5. Biological family. (Optional). So many of my clients make themselves miserable, catering to the needs and expectations of their fully grown biological family members. This is an area where many young families can make cuts to their responsibilities and obligations, and should. Still, clients tell me their family will “get mad if I don’t go” or “I will feel guilty for not going.” If this is you, this is a problem of your own creation, and my suggestion would be you work through these feelings with a trauma therapist so you can make healthier decisions.

Remember, you are now an adult and have priorities to tend to. You can’t do it all and stay healthy. Please understand that any adult who can take care of themselves should be taking care of themselves. For example, if your 70-year-old mother can take herself to the doctor and can be responsible for her medical concerns, she should be doing so. If she would like you to come along, you could, so long as you have the extra time and energy and the rest of your priorities are taken care of and you want to. If we help those who are capable in everyday situations, it will eat up our time and energy, which we already don’t have enough of, while enabling that person to be dependent. Setting smart boundaries with your biological family is something all of us need to practice.

My daughter is 33 and tells me that many of her friends have already given up their own dreams to become full-time caretakers to their parents or their spouse’s parents. As a mother, the last thing I would ever want to see is my daughter give up the best years of her life to tend to me, and would do anything and everything in my power to see that this never happens. A healthy family would feel the same.

Since we have limited time and energy to meet our priorities, and our biological families should be responsible for themselves while they can, this is an optional area, meaning you do not have to do it. It is especially optional when your biological family is so dysfunctional or abusive that being around them is unhealthy for you. Deciding how much time, effort, and energy you devote to your biological family is a personal decision, and as an adult, you have the free will to manage it however you choose.

6. Friends, hobbies. (Optional). We can live without friends and hobbies, but why would we want to? Research tells us that these are the things that are the secret sauce that makes life wonderful and the brain thrive. Still, when you’re overwhelmed, you may have to minimize or eliminate these time-eaters from time to time. I have heard many a husband who loves to hunt tell me that his wife knew he hunted constantly throughout the hunting season when she married him and, therefore, should accept it. If this isn’t a me-oriented stance I don’t know what is. The problem here is that he is meeting his top priority, himself, at the expense of his other priorities: his partner and children. In these cases, we have to be flexible and find a way to enjoy our hobby in balance while making sure everyone is getting their needs met. If you leave your spouse and children emotionally unattended and wanting, so you can go off and do what you want as long as you want, the stock of your marriage will drop, and you may soon find yourself with plenty of time for your hobby. If you aren’t flexible about these types of things and willing to compromise, then maybe marriage and family are not for you.

Understand the importance of getting your priorities right.

Now, you have a great plan for balancing yourself and your family unit so that everyone gets what they need. Great marriages and families are intentional. You have to stay awake and aware, take your partner’s complaints seriously, and respond to them positively as they come along. Show your children what a good marriage looks like; it’s one of the easiest ways to guarantee their mental and emotional health and your own.

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She is also co-host of the Call Your Mother Relationship Show on YouTube and has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!

For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.

If You Have Kids and Decide to Divorce, Do This.

If your marriage didn’t work, your co-parenting relationship can.

f you divorce and have kids, you must get along — here’s how. Photo: Canva/Becky Whetstone

“There is no ‘winning’ in this, it is not a competition. Mom doesn’t have to be better than Dad, and Dad doesn’t have to be better than Mom. It’s not as if you are the only fun, creative, and huggable one, leaving less for the other parent to claim, as there can be shared qualities between you two.”
― Grace Casper, Dear Parents: Notes From a Child of Divorce

The divorce process brings out the absolute worst in married couples who have been struggling to get along, and my goal as a relationship expert who hates seeing people destroy one another, is to put a stop to that. Although I love keeping families together, I recognize that some can’t be healthy together for a number of reasons, and it is in such cases that it’s in everyone’s best interest that they change their marital status and part. If this is you, listen up. I have a separation agreement plan that helps families transition from marriage into functional and thriving parenting co-captains who happen to live in two locations. My plan for a peaceful transition can change how we divorce in America, and this is very good news; it is also the most important thing you could do for your children when the issue of divorce becomes inevitable.

Caveat: If you are in an abusive relationship, which may include severe mental illness, domestic violence, physical abuse, a person who repeatedly commits adultery, or other unresolved addiction issues, my plan may not be what you need. Our goal is to have cooperative co-parenting between two reasonable people. Abusers, addicts (including some sex addicts), and those who historically exhibit a lack of self-control are probably not healthy enough. They will not have the maturity and self-control required to have a post-marital relationship that works for the higher good of all. All humans are flawed and make mistakes, what I am talking about here is a different level of mistake-making that makes the person not safe to continue interactions with. Only you and/or your marriage therapist will know if you can trust your future ex to do right by the family in a managed divorce process.

For everyone else, if you are a married woman or man, have an unhappy marriage, and have decided to divorce, you owe it to yourself and your family to do it deliberately, mindfully, and in a controlled way. When in the marriage therapy process, I tell couples successful marriages take work. So do successful divorces where children are involved. Breaking a family apart has the potential to wreck each person’s mental and emotional health for many years, even for life, and you can go that route, which millions of Americans do, or you can take the higher, healthier road. Ask yourself now if you want to be the ex-spouse from hell or someone who is reasonable and rational.

Priorities (should) change when you are divorced with kids.

If it is just you and your spouse, destroy one another if you choose, I guess, though I don’t understand why you’d want to, but if you have children, there are no excuses or justifications for being nasty and going low. You will now put your children first, perhaps for the first time, instead of yourself. In such circumstances, it is the only right thing to do.

That may mean not having the exact life you want once you’re single, but children don’t want to divorce in most cases, and if you are going to foist it on them, your sole focus needs to be to get them through it and raised with as little anguish and suffering as possible. Throughout the separation and divorce, and afterward, the child will want alone time with you. Not with you and your friends or you and your “new friend.” I am absolutely sick of seeing families where the kids have been kicked to the curb because of their parent’s divorce and are stuck in a take-it-or-leave-it reality that should have been prevented. You must snap yourself out of any “It’s all about me now” and “I deserve to do what I want” feelings you may have posed to yourself as a reward for suffering in a failing marriage and postpone the free-at-last festivities until your children are at a point where they aren’t as dependent on you as they were. Your children will one day tell the story of how their parents divorced and what happened after that; ask yourself how you want that story to be told. If one of you behaves toward the other unfairly in the divorce process, it will damage your children because they will feel helpless anger that will soon show up in almost every interaction they have. Don’t be one of those families that end up perpetuating the nasty stereotypes and bad-name divorce takes on in American family infamy.

Speaking from experience, “family” lawyers don’t help families.

I have been divorced three times and can speak from experience about what it’s like, for better and worse, and only my first, short, starter marriage had a seamless parting, but we had no money and no children. I have also managed hundreds of marriage crises over 20 years, worked with individuals who are divorcing, and am very familiar with divorce proceedings and can speak with experience and urgency about the need to change the way we do divorce in our culture. Almost every client I’ve ever had who was in a hopelessly unhappy marriage and concluded that they needed to divorce told me, in the beginning, that they wanted it to be amicable. Then, it quickly went south and turned out to be nasty. Why? After much thought and consideration, I must believe that the legal system bears a huge responsibility for ripping families apart and creating consternation that will tear children’s souls. At the end of the day, marriage is a legal agreement between two people, much like starting a business, and if the business must be dismantled, people are programmed to call lawyers. I want to put the idea in your head right now that a lawyer might be what you need, but they also might not be what you need.

Lawyers are trained to be adversarial, even in a divorce case, meaning the opposition is seen as an enemy. In a lawyer’s mind, it’s a fight to the death, no matter the financial or emotional cost, and they will do whatever it takes to win. Part of this strategy is to waste time, run up bills with unnecessary maneuvers, and make you financially and emotionally miserable so that you will cave into their wishes. They will send nasty letters, accuse the “enemy” of crazy things, make nutty and insulting predictions about how their future ex will conduct themselves post-divorce, sprinkle pejorative terms through documents, and threaten to leave the opposition destitute or childless. All things that feel like an existential threat, and those who feel an existential threat often rise to destroy in return, choosing scorched earth tactics that do irreparable damage. This pattern in the divorce process must stop. Also, telling your soon-to-be ex that your lawyer acted unilaterally and without your permission won’t fly. You and you alone are responsible for how your lawyer handles the legal process. I have never met a family lawyer who said they considered that the two opposing sides in a divorce with children must continue working together for years. Instead, they come in, tear up families, cash their checks, and move on to the next family, just like a tornado does to a town. Your attorney will eat filet mignon for years on your dime while you and your family are left with the pieces.

When I was getting divorced from my children’s dad in 1992, I likened how it went down to emotional abuse. I was called lazy and a freeloader by my husband’s lawyer because I had been a stay-at-home mom, and she repeatedly accused me of wanting a life of leisure at his expense. No matter, we lived in Texas, where divorce laws favor good old boys who are usually the main providers and leave those dependent on their mate virtually destitute overnight. Not a great recipe for a family to thrive after a divorce. They threatened to take my two children away because I had started dating — It was wrong to do so, in retrospect, but no reason to threaten custody, and my husband hadn’t touched me in four years, so at age 34, I felt justified.

I was spoken about and characterized as having lost it, described as a mooch and a villain, and it was eons before I recovered from how it was handled. Even though the best revenge is to flourish, be happy, and be successful, which did happen, I had a flaming rage underneath for a long time for being characterized so negatively, and like a pouting child, I lost any motivation to cooperate with my ex; which ultimately hurt our children. How I wish I could go back in time knowing what I know now.

Please learn from our mistakes, and don’t go negative. It is one of my goals in life to make nasty divorces a thing of the past. There’s no need for it other than to satisfy false pride and ego. But in the end, if nothing else motivates you, know that the children pick up the tab for our mistakes, and when you see them struggle, become angry and depressed, and blame themselves for everything, you’ll see what I mean.

In my own despair about what a nightmare the divorce process is for so many, and after becoming a Marriage and Family Therapist and having an insider’s view of other people’s breakups, I created a separation plan for people who plan to divorce that, in my opinion, is rational, reasonable, and offers the best chance for parting in a way that doesn’t take a pound of flesh from each member of the family.

Why, I ask, when people decide to divorce, do they end marriage therapy cold turkey and call a lawyer to begin what will likely become a family war when they could transition to divorce therapy to ease into the process in a compassionate way? It is because most people are not aware that there is another way. Doesn’t it make sense to have a family therapist create a way for co-captains of a family to part ways that consider mental and emotional health, the ability of humans to adjust to new situations, and the fact that couples who have children together will have to deal with one another as a family for many years to come? You can pay a “family” attorney huge sums to massage your pride and ego, to crush and have the last word. Alternatively, you can do right by yourself and your family and approach the divorce process with humility and determination to do it in as healthy a way as possible. Allowing a family therapist to guide you through most of the divorce process will save you thousands of dollars in the long run.

The best divorce plan for families.

In my plan, available at this link, the process of dismantling the family together in one household is slowed down. Though many might say, “I want it over with as soon as possible,” that may not be the healthiest choice for the family. In the New Divorce, you will consider what is in the highest good of all rather than just yourself. Too many changes in a short period of time can lead to various illnesses, sorry, but a human brain can handle only so much stress at a time. Done in increments, over a period of up to one year, a couple works out most of their divorce case with a family therapist. Then, the things you disagree on can be handed over to a mediator and someone who understands the legal ramifications and important financial details like how to handle health insurance and 401Ks. As much as I admonish the legal profession for destroying families, you will need someone who knows divorce laws in your state to look to make sure it is fair and marital property is divided properly. There are different ways to approach it.

It’s possible that you’ll want to hire a lawyer as you are dismantling a business. However, you can find family therapists and other professionals who are trained mediators in your state and know divorce law as well. However, in a kinder and gentler divorce, I ask that a couple only hire a collaborative lawyer or a collaborative professional rather than an adversarial one for final oversight. Collaborative lawyers and professionals do not litigate; they negotiate all terms between adults, and a judge and court hearings are not allowed. Properly trained legal or mental health professionals can handle all or some of it, depending on how much you can work it out on your own or with a therapist. Dragging your partner to court over and over should be avoided at all costs, and a collaborative professional won’t allow it. See the links for these types of resources below.

All this said both partners should get all they are legally entitled to. I have clients all the time who start the divorce process by saying they will never pay child support or spousal support, but if the divorce laws say they must, they must. If you built a multimillion-dollar company and want your spouse to take less than 50 percent, you’ll be treading on thin ice toward Nasty Divorce Land even to ask. To partners who are likely to end up on the less financially solid end of a divorce deal, it’s about survival, and their brains will be hyper-vigilant about making sure they get enough to support themselves and their children. If you don’t like the way divorce laws are, work to change the law. But trying to handle a divorce case your way and on your terms, without regard for what the law says, creates acrimony, and it’s acrimony that destroys your ability to co-parent as well as your children’s psyches. Let your collaborative professional tell you what the law says, and then develop an equitable distribution in line with that. Do unto your soon-to-be former husband or wife as you would have them do unto you. And no matter what you do, do not threaten a fight for child custody. Nothing takes a divorce down the toilet hole faster than telling someone you’ll take their children away. It is in children’s best interest to have equal access to both parents, even if one of the parents isn’t the greatest.

Seventeen states in the United States don’t want to hear about who did what to whom and are known as strictly no-fault divorce states. The other 33 states offer no-fault divorce as an option. I strongly recommend going the no-fault route if you want the most amicable outcome. The purpose of siting reasons for divorce is to shame and humiliate, and pointing out a person’s sexual sin or other marital mistakes serves no positive purpose. Don’t do it. My plan will instruct you on handling everything with friends, family, and more. Hint: Keep them out of it. You will shield your children from any ugliness involved in the process. If you believe your child’s parent is a demon, keep it to yourself. The kids will figure it all out sooner or later on their own, and they will ask questions. I’ll never forget the day my kids came home from a weekend at their dad’s and said, “We think we know why you divorced dad.” Yep, they had started to see it, too. Let nature take its course; even if you start the journey cast as the villain, children will eventually figure it all out. Have faith that things turn out the way they’re supposed to.

The subject of divorce, dividing time with children, and splitting property creates anxiousness and fury in anyone who has been through it. Our brains will probably process such cases as a painful experience and something that must be grieved. There is no avoiding that. But we can avoid negative actions and behaviors during divorce proceedings that make it impossible for two co-parents to get along moving forward. If divorce is what you really want and need, do it in the most benign way possible. In addition to showing couples different ways to do this, my plan for parting also teaches couples how to handle their children throughout the process and moving forward. A divorce isn’t over when the divorce papers are signed. As couples move forward, they often want to date and meet new people. I have very strong feelings about the issue of remarriage and dating after divorce and how it affects children, based on my professional experience, and suggest you read my blog about blended families so you will be aware of all the potential pitfalls at this link https://medium.com/@doctorbecky/how-to-make-a-marriage-work-with-stepchildren-ce075cc232cb. The subject of bringing new people into your children’s lives is also addressed in the agreement I have created.

As I said, divorce isn’t over when the official certificate of divorce is signed. In fact, when you have children, there cannot be a true divorce unless you remove yourself from your children’s lives, which I hope you see as not an option. Even if you plan to move away after your divorce and have a long-distance parenting situation, I will try to talk you out of it. Your children need regular access to you, period. If you are determined to remain close to your children, which is the only right choice, you will see your former husband or wife at events of all kinds throughout your children’s lives.

Not married, but a family for life.

In my case, we had an unexpected reason to be around each other again in 2011 when our 24-year-old US. Marine son was killed in Afghanistan 18 years following our divorce. There we were, thrust back together, making decisions about his body, what type of funeral he would have, where he would be buried, and what it would say on his gravestone. Meanwhile, our 21-year-old daughter and only surviving child nervously went back and forth between our households and would coach me on how not to piss her moody father off. All this while dealing with the shock of our precious brother and son’s death. Thank goodness the Marines sat us down at the very beginning and said everything is the mom’s decision when an unmarried Marine is killed. Otherwise, I would have felt like I was going through another divorce, as anything I’d ever asked of him since we split was always met with the answer no. The man was a black-and-white thinker, and to him, you are either in the club or out, no in between. In the years following our divorce, he had been a real pain, never an extra dime financially, and even filing for custody once because the extra night he got to see the children while I was in graduate school was taken away once I finished going to class at night. He lost that battle, thankfully.

Though we lived four miles apart, most of the food, flowers, and friends gathered at his house, and I was never invited to come over, but I understood that one who wasn’t empathetic while we were married wasn’t going to be empathetic now. Alas, I still wasn’t home-free; my son’s dad refused to share his belongings when they were returned to us from Afghanistan, including an 88-page hand-written journal, and I had to hire a lawyer and take him to court to get him to share — it took me four years and $10,000 to get to read the loving words my son had to say about me in that book, and to see that the inside cover was plastered with photos of me and our dogs. Invaluable to my heart. Keep these sorts of things in mind … you can’t know all how your ex will enter and re-enter your life over the years, and if you share a history of reasonableness, it may carry you a long way and reap benefits for a very long time. Because of what happened with our son, I insisted our daughter have a will and specific instructions about what to do if she passed away, and her dad was appalled that I did that, but I’m no dunce. Learn from mistakes and move on. Our chance at cooperative co-parenting has long passed, and all I can do now is help you avoid similar land mines.

No one I know has ever regretted being reasonable, rational, and compassionate during the divorce process and after, but plenty regret being uncooperative and ugly. Watching your children struggle in life, school, and relationships and realizing they are carrying divorce-related junk that has blasted their self-esteem to shreds will be on you and your partner. Control yourselves, be kind and reasonable, and make your children proud. Being mindful and deliberate in your intentions is good; think things through before making decisions, and plan what you need to say and how to say it. Ironically, you now need the same type of behavior that might have made your marriage work, but if you weren’t motivated to control yourself for your partner, maybe you will be for your children. Emotional adults are mindful and control themselves, and emotional children are impulsive and spout off nasty remarks with no regard for what it does to people.

If divorce is unavoidable, here’s how to do it right.

Resources:

Collaborative professionals, mediators, alternative dispute resolution, and divorce therapists. Can include lawyers, mental health therapists, and more. Most states have listings through their state judiciary website for access, visitation, custody, and mediation services.

Information on collaborative professionals: https://globalcollaborativelaw.com/

Understanding mediation. amsadr.com

Divorce therapists. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/divorce

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Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach. She is also co-host of the Call Your Mother Relationship Show on YouTube and has a private practice in Little Rock, Arkansas, as a life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!

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