Equality diehards don’t do well in marriage and relationships. Stop expecting problems in the marriage to be seen as 50–50, and focus on your part in it. Quibbling over who is most right or wrong is a fool’s game. Graphic: Adobestock/Magann

Are problems in marriage always 50 percent your fault and 50 percent your spouse’s fault? Not in my experience. Still, quite a few individuals in couples therapy desperately want me to tell them it is. They need me to tell them so. If a person gets a whiff that I may think they’re mostly the problem, panic will set in and they will often offer up perceived stacks of violations their spouse committed to try and even it out.

It’s a good thing I won’t be fooled. As the Sherlock Holmes of marital issues, always seeking to solve the mystery of what’s at the bottom of a couple’s issues, it’s my job to uncover the truth, and if one person is mostly the problem, we need to get down to it. It perplexes me to no end that it’s so hard, I mean really hard, for someone to own up to being a marital problem child, but at the same time, it doesn’t.

Because of things like this, marriage therapy is a ceaselessly fascinating thing. Couples come in for a session, and we talk about their goals, followed by the things that are tripping them up, and it won’t take much time before I get the gist of the problem. I can usually get a general idea of the themes and dynamics that take them down within the first or second session. Some take great offense at this, assuming I’m carelessly jumping to conclusions and need to know all the details of their life story and all their tales of woe, but I don’t.

I am looking for themes and patterns. They report the stories and the different ways they interact, they correct each other and clarify, and I make mental notes of the things I see that don’t work in relationships. Although people want to think they are completely unique, and they are in some ways, human beings are pretty predictable regarding behavior. I know I must be getting it close to right because every week, I hear the words, “You hit the nail on the head,” when I start telling them what I think, but only from one of the two.

That doesn’t mean that other things they might tell me might add context and be helpful later on; it’s just that I am on the scent of their key relationship dynamics early on, and that gives me a place to start. I don’t think in black-and-white terms, like one person is an angel and the other a devil, though some clients say things like, “Oh my God, she’s thinking I’m the villain!” Not so fast, I say. People are way more complex than that.

The griper.

Still, the most common dynamic I work with involves a griper and the receiver of the griping. The griper is bothered by little things and wants their spouse to change so they can be comfortable, and the receiver says they might have a good marriage and happy relationship if the griper would chill out and leave them alone. Although people long for a healthy relationship, and that’s why they are there, I’ve come to believe that at least one person (probably the griper) secretly hopes I’ll take their side and stick it in their partner’s eye. At the end of the day, they want vindication and validation that their spouse has made their life difficult, and they strongly hope that the type of relationship advice I offer will pull their partner into line.

When I present my initial premise and check with them to see if I’m on the right track, one person smiles, and the other person squirms nervously. This is when the tenor of a session forever changes. The hardest thing is getting the person who perceives themself in the hot seat to honestly and humbly see that they may not be the great partner they thought they were. I must do it tenderly and softly because if I flat out told the person I’m thinking they may be the primary pain in the marriage’s ass, it wouldn’t go very well. Anyway, most people don’t have the ego strength and solid sense of self to be able to receive constructive commentary directed primarily at them, no matter how softly and respectfully it’s delivered.

Such news does not align with how they see themselves, so they often think I must have it wrong. They may question my training and credentials or try to throw me off the trail, deflecting my attention to things their spouse does instead. A good therapist sees it all and keeps people on track.

What are the qualities of a difficult partner?

Understand that the more inflexible a person is, the more controlling, rigid, intense, negative, obsessive, neurotic, moody, arrogant, boundaryless, withholding, volatile, vengeful, demanding, humorless, and intolerant, the more difficult they will be to have a relationship with. That’s common sense. Of course, these people are usually most responsible for their marital issues, while at the same time are wired such that they can’t or won’t see it. It stuns the mind to know how many people in the world have no self-awareness.

So, the math equation is: the one who resists, denies, deflects, and doesn’t buy into my perspective while their partner does is almost always the one who bears the most responsibility for the marriage being unworkable. That’s marriage therapy math.

Ron and Sue have been together for 12 years, and they’ve hit a wall. Ron initiated the idea of marriage therapy and is certain it will only take me a few sessions to fix his wife. He admits he’s not perfect and knows he has minor issues, but the main problem is that Sue is stubborn and doesn’t listen to him. He wants me to teach her to listen and then turn her from a recalcitrant bull into a precious little calf who takes suggestions and adjusts accordingly. After listening to his gripes for about 10 minutes and noting Sue’s sarcastic asides, I put down my pen and looked at Ron.

“I think I can see what’s going on here,” I say. “Ron, you’re pretty demanding and controlling, and I think you’re wearing Susan out. Now, Susan, do tell me if I am wrong about that …

“You’re not wrong,” she quickly adds. “Ron is an authority on how all things ought to be.”

“Well, I do like the home to be neat as a pin,” but what’s wrong with that?” he says. “I like things a certain way, but Sue just won’t do it. I’m just asking for small stuff, a two-way street effort to keep our place clean and picked up, but she doesn’t care about it. We wouldn’t argue about anything if she kept the house picked up.”

“To Ron, a romantic evening at home is the two of us scrubbing down the countertops and wearing white gloves to see how much dust there is,” she says while rolling her eyes.

“So you think the problem is Susan?” I say. “If only she were clean, did her fair share of household chores, and kept the house tidy, you’d be content?”

“Well …. yes. Pretty much.”

Is Ron more of a problem in the marriage than Sue? Is she the problem? Let me offer more context to their story before you decide. They both have demanding careers, plus three children aged nine and under, two of whom are involved in after-school activities. I have great compassion for what it must be like in their household; I imagine this: noise, dirty laundry, lost shoes, people running to the car, and half-eaten snacks lying around.

“Do you think your demands are reasonable?” I ask Ron. In my experience, families like yours are chaotic, and that will probably not change that much. The idea that your home could remain neat as a pin in the midst of mayhem doesn’t sound reasonable. In fact, a little understanding on your part might be in order.”

“I don’t think I’m asking too much,” he says.

“And I do,” she says. “I’m willing to do a little, but Ron, your standards and what you’re asking are over the top, in my opinion. I’d like him to focus on what I will do, not what I don’t or won’t.”

Finding your dysfunctional pattern.

My mentor, Terry Real, creator of Relational Life Therapy and author of the best relationship health books on the planet, says a great way to hone in on a married couple’s dysfunctional patterns is to fill in the following blanks: “The more Spouse A does X, the more Spouse B does Y, and the more Spouse B does Y, the more Spouse A does X …”

The more Ron complains about the state of the house, the more Sue thinks he’s unreasonable and shuts down. The more Sue shuts down and does nothing, the more Ron complains. It was easy to see their pattern within the first 15 minutes that we talked. Ron is what I call the “squeaky wheel” spouse. He’s the one complaining and demanding changes. Sue is shut down and sick of his griping.

In his mind, my job was to persuade Sue to clean up her act (literally). It caught him off-guard when I told him that he had unrealistic expectations and that he needed to find more compassion and understanding for Sue, especially considering how difficult and stressful this stage of their lives is. Anytime you can process another person’s situation using a dose of compassion and empathy and show some emotional support, it’s a good day. If Ron values a tidy house, and Sue is less interested in that, that might be a good focus for him to take on, and perhaps she could focus on the things that are meaningful to her. That’s how people in good relationships sort things out.

Inner peace rule.

Here’s a rule of thumb for relationships: It’s a boundary violation when one person asks another person to give up their inner peace so they can have it. If your partner asks you to do something you’re uncomfortable with, always say no if you will resent them if you say yes. Only agree to what they ask if you can do so with a neutral or happy heart. A neutral heart might look like, “Well, it’s not my favorite thing to do, but I don’t mind doing it.”

In the case of Sue and Ron, she already resents him for what she sees as his unreasonable demands, and she should tell him diplomatically, “Ron, you are the one who wants the house a certain way, so I suggest you be in charge of that yourself.” If Ron wants a successful marriage and a happy wife, he will stop the fight to win this and other power struggles, throw up the white flag, and take care of the problem himself. There is no right or wrong regarding whether a house should be kept pristine or not.

Crux of the problem.

Since women demanded to be treated equally at the turn of the last century, men, fearing losing it all, have hung tightly to their half. That’s okay regarding job opportunities and wages, but in marriage, things aren’t usually going to be equal. People would be wise to throw this concept in the trash.

I believe those of us in relationships should each shoot for 100 — I give my all, and you give your all, and let’s see what happens next. If my relationship fails, I blame myself 100 percent, and you do the same. If my partner really doesn’t want to do something I want, I should do it myself.

Marriage isn’t equal and fair; sometimes, one person does more than the other in great relationships, and sometimes, that switches. We must bend and flow throughout our lives together and stop finger-pointing. If you are a blamer and must point the finger at someone for your relationship problems, point it at yourself. My job would be so much easier if everyone came in with the attitude that everything is 100 percent their fault. Still, people are prideful and immature and want to deny their major part in not having a perfect relationship, or, as I said, their ego needs to know they are only half the problem.

Expectations and relationship satisfaction.

Some people are masters at creating relationship problems unnecessarily, and I aim to stop that. My mother loved spending time thinking about things to worry about, for example. It was a complete waste of time. Expectations in marriage are that way — these are little ideas a person has about what another person should be doing. Ron thinks a home should be clean, and Sue should be cleaning it. It’s completely ridiculous that any adult would expect anything of another without their agreement.

The only way expectations work is by discussing whatever it is first, and if both people agree, then you may have an expectation. For example, one spouse, Mary, wants the other, Joe, to text her at least four times daily. To her, if you love her, that is what you will do. The problem is that Joe loves Mary but is busy when he works and finds her expectations a nuisance. Joe should not have to text if he does not want to. Mary is out of line, declaring that he doesn’t love her if he doesn’t text when the truth is she has no idea how he feels, she is making that up. Only he knows that.

When Ron, Mary, or anyone else doesn’t get what they want or can’t get their spouse to abide by their rules, they must back off and learn to take care of themself. We all experience a disappointed little boy or girl within us at various times. We need to nurture and care for that part of us when that happens. It is unfair to ask your partner to change who they are so you can be happy, and that doesn’t happen with successful couples in a long-term relationship.

If you are the kind of person with lots of expectations and demands, then you will be more than 50 percent of the problem in your marriage, I assure you. No one wants to be a pain in the ass to their spouse, but people with lots of demands and expectations are just that. If you recognize yourself here, come off your high horse, take stock of yourself and your behavior, and do what it takes to make your relationship work. ​

Check out my new ebook on marriage crisis and how to know if you need to separate. It also includes a plan for an amicable divorce.

We’ve got lots of news and many exciting things going on in the relationship realm … so I’m preparing to send out a regular newsletter with the best relationship advice on the planet. To get on my email list, click here.

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She is also co-host of the YouTube Call Your Mother Relationship Show and has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on the Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!

For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.