Why The Words Selfless and Selfish Need to be Removed from the English Language.

When you give to others without giving to yourself you will suffer.

They discourage self care and keep us from thriving.

The American culture has dysfunctional beliefs and values that affect and injure us all, and two that have especially limited people’s ability to thrive are the toxin-packed adjectives selfless and selfish. Our society perpetuates the idea that individuals of highest character are those who are selfless, doing absolutely nothing for themselves, and the lowest form, the selfish, because they do. Another word that can go away while we’re at it, is deserve.

As a therapist I see depressed, anxious, depleted clients every day. They weave stories of choices and decisions using terms like:

“This is going to sound really selfish, but I …”, or,

“I know I should just do X, but that’d be selfish/greedy (or put any guilt-provoking term here).

To get a client to believe that doing for yourself, even being generous to yourself, and saying no to things you would really prefer not doing, is not selfish, but actually healthy and necessary self-care, is one of the steepest hills we’ll climb. Far too many people just won’t buy it because it has been drilled into their heads by numerous sources over many years that it’s wrong to do things just for you, and right to do all you can for others.

The brain-washing messages stream in from family, friends, religion, schools, the media … you should only get things you absolutely need, be pragmatic. Nothing indulgent for you unless you’ve toiled, suffered, sacrificed. “Oh, you took a vacation to Tahiti? Well, you worked so hard last semester with school, community service, nursing a sick family member, and a full time job, you deserve it.”

We’ve learned not to share news of good fortune and self-generosity unless we first mention the suffering that made us worthy of it.

Well, I have news for you — we all deserve trips to Tahiti whether we lift a finger or not, but society says it is pure narcissism, entitlement and self-indulgence to be wonderful to you unless you’ve earned a reward. We are told it is better to give than receive, and when you die, the goal is to be described by all who knew you as a selfless, sacrificing person who has earned an eternal break in heaven.

Emphatically, with all of the passion I can muster, I tell you that those ideas are hideously wrong and misguided. We all “deserve” everything good and wonderful, all the time.

The “suffer for others and give, but never receive” model is a guaranteed recipe for suffering. Self-care, my friends, is the most important thing any person can do, period. Nourishing yourself in mind, body and spirit is the only healthy way to live, keeping yourself filled with the things that bring you joy, pleasure and contentment. This will keep your emotional bank account in the black, leaving you energized and excited about life, and only then will you be able to bring your best self to others, in a moderate balance of playing, sitting, working, pondering, breathing — yes, help others if you can and really want to, then relax and nourish yourself again.

We have to teach ourselves that we were born to want and need things, it’s our nature, and it is OK and innate to want and need things when we’re grown. My rule of thumb is I can do whatever I want so long as it is respectful to myself and my marriage. I tell my clients how I traded in a perfectly good car recently for a tripped-out Jeep that features an electric fold-back roof. This new car makes my heart sing. I did not need the Jeep, I wanted it. It cost a lot, I could afford it and do not need to justify the purchase to anyone. People that attempt to rain on my Jeep parade get met with a, “I love it and it brings me joy,” and that’s all I have to say about it. This concept amazes most, and it’s not the only generous thing I’ll do for myself this year and in the future.

My self-care regime is so good that I end up running around with a sparkle in my eye and bounce in my step, all the result of being so good to myself. I exercise and feed myself healthy foods, that I cook, and my soul loves it. I say no to things that would take my peace away, unless it’s unavoidable like taxes and dental visits. My clients, on the other hand, are miserable because they are trying to be everything to everyone else, and nothing to themselves. They have become human pack mules carrying an impossible load, and give themselves the crumbs of life if there are any left. They don’t get physical checkups often if ever, and they throw filler-filled foods and snacks into their bodies, and quite a few drink, smoke or medicate their miseries away. When family and friend’s expectations and requests come in, they will be there, even if it’s a pain in the backside, they have to drop what they were doing, or costs them financially. They’ll do it even when tired and emotionally spent. Their friends and families know they can count on these people in this way and will take advantage of them and their inability and unwillingness to say no.

What the selfless are not telling you, but they tell me, is they took a day off of work where they are self-employed getting paid per client to accommodate you, then did not make enough to pay all their bills last month. You weren’t the only person they did that for. And why?

“I don’t want to disappoint anyone, people give me grief if I don’t do what they want or need me to do. They say things that make me feel guilty. It’s easier to just do the stuff and be broke and exhausted.”

Do they resent doing all of these things? Absolutely.

One client who couldn’t pay her bills because she was so dedicated to being there for people was told by me that this was her choice to manage her life this way, completely her fault, and not the fault of the people who ask and expect. People can ask for and expect lots of things from me, but they won’t get anything unless I agree, and I won’t agree if it is not healthy for me. Setting boundaries like I do for myself is a crucial part of self care, obviously, but my clients will say that saying no to anyone whether the person is demanding, needing, or wanting is mean, which is another dysfunctional concept that needs to be expunged from our thought processes. The fact is, other adults who can and should be handling their problems need to be, and we need not feel badly about saying no to anyone who is capable of taking care of things themselves.

The people in our lives who would use and abuse us know and use the words and phrases that will feel like a knife to the heart, and every therapist knows that a narcissist will always protest and squeal when their loved ones first set boundaries, but to be healthy and thrive we must do it.

So are there people who are self-oriented to the point of excluding everything and everyone else? Yes! They are probably the ones asking you to do things for them all the time. Enabling them perpetuates it, so just stop.

So, who do we call to expunge the words selfish, selfless and deserve from our language? I don’t know, but in my office it starts by calling my clients out every time they say them, forbidding them to utter them in my office, and talking about this subject in social and formal conversations whenever I can. My guess is that dedicating yourself to not using them will feel like the removal of handcuffs, and I can’t think of a better way to begin the practice of self care.

Things people say that make therapists cringe.

One of the strangest things about becoming knowledgeable about psychological health and well-being is sitting by and listening to people in the media – and daily life – say things that you know will reinforce damaging themes and behaviors that people struggle with – things that keep them from becoming emotionally healthy. I have always wished to have a high-profile platform where I can set people straight and make a true and lasting difference in the way our culture thinks, talks and behaves, ways that are more supportive and compassionate to self and to others

With that in mind, here are things I often hear that make me cringe, followed by my comments on why it is screwed up, and what we can do to make it better. Please share.

  1. She is so selfless, she always puts others first. Meant as a compliment, I see it as discouraging people to not engage in healthy self-care. The insinuation is, if you put yourself first – on any level – it is a bad thing, and that simply is not true. Self-care should be at the top of every adult’s list … I mean Number one, as we have to bring our best self to ourselves and our relationships, and you can’t do that without self-awareness and seeing that your needs are met. Managing your mind, spirit and body health on a daily basis is absolutely necessary, and no one should feel badly about that. Think about it this way … you are responsible for your happiness, no one else is, so what are you going to do for you to get yourself the peace and contentment we all desire?
  2. He is there for everybody no matter the time of day. Yes, and he is probably one of my clients in marriage therapy. His wife and family don’t feel like a priority because they aren’t. Some individuals thrive on being needed, and must be Superman-to-the-rescue when the phone rings, and there are many people who will have no problem letting you do that for them, when as adults, they could figure out how to deal with their problems themselves. Needing to feel needed, and taking action on every request without moderation, is a self-esteem disorder; people need to do it to feel good about themselves, when feeling good about yourself should not be defined by things that you do. Always make sure your and your family’s needs are met first.
  3. He is such a wonderful man, except for …. Consider this … all of us are doing what we were meant to at this point in time, and every life experience is a teaching moment designed to lead us to our life purpose. You may not like or approve of another person’s journey, but their journey is not yours. You get to live life your way, and you must let other adults be where they are in their lives. The key word here is: Accept people the way they are, flaws and all. P.S. We are all flawed and always will be. Until you aren’t, mind your own business.
  4. She would be so beautiful except for … Why does any one person get to decide what beautiful is? This type of scrutiny breaks the heart and spirit of the one being scrutinized, because all any of us want in relationships is to be accepted, wholeheartedly, just the way we are. How about viewing every individual as the unique and beautiful being that they are?
  5. I do it (interfere in my adult child’s life) because of my grandkids … No, no, no, grandparents! I often have adult daughters and sons drag their moms and dads in so I can teach them appropriate boundaries. It is difficult for gramps and grandma to understand that once their child is grown, it is no longer appropriate for them to offer unsolicited advice and scrutiny, or to interfere in any way, with their parenting or how they live their lives. If the grandkids are not being abused or neglected in a way that needs to be reported to Child Protective Services, and the adult is not in imminent danger of hurting themselves or someone else, stay out of it. Instead, stand by as a loving support, there if needed and requested.

The theme here is that many people seem to think they are the authority on how other adults should live their lives, and I can promise you, they are not. Therapists are trained to know what is healthy when it comes to individual and relational emotional and behavioral health, but even we don’t know it all. If you aren’t paying me for my opinion in a therapy session, or if I’m not choosing to write a blog designed to inform and help people, you will not see me scrutinize or comment on the behavior or status of my family, friends, or people that I hear about. I know how to stay on my side of the street where my business is, and not cross into other people’s business and offend their boundaries inappropriately.

Now for The Zinger: To cross into other people’s business and offend their boundaries inappropriately by offering unsolicited scrutiny, comments, observations, advice, would make me grandiose, which is arrogant. Arrogant people think they know better than others, they look down their nose in contempt at people for not being who they “should” be. This stance is never right, it isn’t conducive to healthy relationships, and it destroys the possibility of a healthy relationship. The only way to have a healthy adult relationship with another person is to bring yourself down to their level, the human level where all of us exist, with an open heart of acceptance and compassion.

The hardest thing about being a therapist is knowing what you know, and then seeing people hurting one another unnecessarily.

What first appointments are like for the therapist.

First meetings are very interesting for a therapist. A person, couple or family comes in with a problem or concern, and I know nothing. I view each first meeting as an interesting movie, and the characters in the movie have no idea what to do about the problem they’re facing. The story I am about to hear involves a puzzle we need to solve, and I find every story I hear and every character in it fascinating. The work will be challenging. There will be surprises and there may be red herrings, gas lighting, and/or gut wrenching stories of unimaginable abuse. I take the challenge very seriously, and consider myself a sort of therapeutic Sherlock Holmes who is charged to solve the mystery of why their life isn’t working and how to create an environment so it will.

Most clients are at least a little bit nervous in that first meeting. I am going to take a health and family history from them, find out what they’re goals are, and do a session with them – asking lots of questions but also hoping to leave them with something really helpful they can start using right away.

Once the client or clients leave that first meeting, I usually have a pretty good idea of what is going on from a family dynamics standpoint, and I’m already on the scent of the root of the problem. What I usually will know is:

  • How serious the problem is. There are tooth aches and then there are jaw breaks, and the more serious situations often need immediate, serious, attention and care. Physicians and other resources may need to be part of the process. If it’s serious, we get the ball rolling wherever and however, right away.
  • How motivated the person or couple is. In therapy, motivation is everything – you can’t inspire a person to do much of anything if there is no interest or desire. People can be miserable in their lives, but not miserable enough to do the work to change. I bring everything I’ve got to be helpful, but some will choose to stay comfortably uncomfortable. The good news is that after the first session with an unmotivated client, I won’t give up hope that their desire for a healthier life will change.
  • If they’re not leveling with me. Therapists can’t help people who are not honest, and I can often figure out when a client is not. How? If what people report doesn’t make sense, I know one or both are leaving out important information. Part of the challenge is, some people are covering something up, some are worried about what I’ll think of them, while others lie or have a perverted or distorted sense of reality.
  • If the client perceives themselves as blameless. People with victim themes are easy to spot, and they’re in plentiful supply. They’re also some of the most difficult to work with. How can you create a journey of healthy change when a person cannot take responsibility for any part of the dysfunctional situation? We all play a role when relationships aren’t working.
  • If pride and ego are going to be an issue. Humility is required for a great therapy result. If I encounter pride, ego and stubbornness, I think of it as an out-of-control bamboo patch that must be cleared before any meaningful work can be done.
  • Whether addiction may be playing a role. There are many types and I ask about it in every first session My gut usually hones in on addiction quickly, if it’s there. If it is, it must be dealt with before much else can be done.
  • How mentally stable a person is. Most therapists get a good feel for this in a first session using the client’s history and just visiting with them for a little while. Things people tell us, their tone, expressions and body language can be used as guideposts for understanding how they handle life situations. If the spouse is there, it’s even easier to figure out.

One thing that is always true, after the first meeting I know I’ve got my work cut out for me. Every person and case is different, and I do the best I can to help people in a way that is suitable for them.