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What creates a relationship that will last the long term.
March 13, 2018

Get to know each aspect of Gottman’s Sound Relationship House and make sure you have and maintain them in your relationship.

Every Marriage and Family Therapist is familiar with Dr. John Gottman’s theory of the Sound Relationship House, the seven things that fortify a relationship and make a marriage strong. Gottman has done so much research on what makes great marriages and what predicts divorce, by studying, testing and interviewing thousands of couples over many decades, that therapists know it’s extremely worthwhile and teach it to clients routinely.

When it comes to questions a person should be able to answer about their partner before getting married, it’s wise to look at the foundation issue of the Sound Marital House, which Gottman calls, Building Love Maps. This involves being curious and knowledgeable about the history, hopes, desires and interests of your partner. I often tell clients that if you’re successful at building love maps, you would be able to take a multiple-choice test about your partner’s life, hopes and dreams, and you’d get a high score. The way we get there is by being curious, asking questions, listening and absorbing. If you’re truly interested in who your partner is and where they’ve been and where they want to go, this should not be difficult.

We date a person to figure out if they are right for us, but a relationship won’t have legs to weather storms until the couple solidly bonds over time. The bonds will be the healthy foundation on which the relationship stands. Bonds are built by building love maps through many conversations and experiences together. These conversations and experiences lead to mutual admiration and affection. Now we have enough stock in the relationship to be able to weather the inevitable bumps and potholes that come with long term relationships. Once the foundation is formed and the bonds built, you must continue building love maps as people will change and grow in a multitude of ways.

I do have to mention difficulties you may encounter, however. I have always been a curious and interested person, and when I started dating my children’s dad years ago, I’d ask him about his life, past girlfriends, what life was like on his dad’s farm, “Hey, what was your former stepmother like?” His response: “I don’t want to talk about it.” He avoided any conversation about his life for all the years we were together, and what I did learn his sister told me. I was not a therapist then, and I wrote it off as, “He must be a private person,” and I respected that.

I wasn’t a counselor then, but if I was, I would have seen his closed-off behavior as a huge red flag. I would have known this is a man who won’t let me know who he is, who only reveals the parts of himself he chooses for me to see. There will not be emotional intimacy and deep connection because he won’t allow it. Although in the beginning of the relationship he took his wall down long enough for me to fall in love, he soon slammed the door shut and would never open it again. I had been seduced into the relationship, then left standing by myself. This pattern is not unusual in relationships.

These sorts of experiences are how we learn about life and people, and I learned a lot from that. Our eventual divorce led me to seek answers about what went wrong, what does a healthy relationship look like, because I never wanted to go through an experience like that again. That is how I ended up becoming a Marriage and Family Therapist, so all that experience and education has taught me that what Gottman writes about is true and worth knowing. It also helped me to understand what needed to be present if I was ever to have a healthy relationship.

I do have a healthy relationship today, and this knowledge is a vital part of that. If I was back in the dating scene the things I’d need to know before committing for a life-long relationship would be:

  1. If you become disillusioned with our relationship and the feeling lingers, will you tell speak up so we can address it right away?
  2. If we get into trouble we can’t resolve, will you go with me to get professional help?
  3. Will you work hard to bring your best self to the marriage?
  4. Will you be open and transparent to me, and show up as your true self?
  5. Will you be my best friend, and put our relationship first, above your biological family and our children?
  6. Will you be loyal and dependable? Will you be there for me?
  7. Will you read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, learn my Love Languages and fill my needs in these areas on an ongoing basis?
  8. Will you be balanced in the time you spend on your career, hobbies, family, friends, making sure that our relationship has been fed and nourished as a priority before filling up free time with other interests?

This list may be eye-opening and seem like a lot, and it’s meant to be. We often hear that having a good marriage takes a lot of work, and these things are part of the work that is involved. Work is a verb and implies action. Good marriages take lots of action. As I go down the list, I am also keeping in mind the things couples who come see me complain about. They wouldn’t have most of these complaints if they were working on these very important areas in the relationship. The bottom line is, marriage is for big boys and girls, who are able to stay aware, mindful and tuned in to themselves and their partners. When there’s an issue, they take care of it immediately.

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April 26, 2009

Note: This one is for the single women of the world – one for men will follow …

On the surface, you’d think that finding a relationship that’s mutually rewarding and healthy should be easy, but I can tell you that it is not, and here’s why … I estimate that people who are relatively intelligent and emotionally healthy comprise about 5 percent of the population – this is what I consider to be the only dating pool from which we professional women can operate. The other 95 percent must be avoided and can be identified by observing the following:

1.    Still tethered to mom and/or birth family after age 35 – if they come first, you never will.
2.    Over age 45 and having had either one (usually) short marriage and/or very few or no long term relationships. Don’t fret over not being able to grab this one, despite his age, this person, who physically looks like a man is still a boy.
3.    Hangs with a bunch of guys who fall into # 2 listed above.
4.    Brags about how his children will always come first. See explanation in #1 listed above.
5.    You’re not sure what he does for a living. Sometimes he’s working, sometimes not, but whatever it is he does, there’s no name for it, when he talks about it you don’t understand it,  and no one has ever seen him do it.
6.    He wistfully talks about the good old days when he used to be successful. Yes, my friends, when times were good, he says, he bought his women expensive jewelry and cars like they were a penny a pound, he traveled the world and had his picture taken with Mother Teresa and Nelson Mandela and they asked for his advice. But today, all he can give you is a toothpick after you pay for dinner. Don’t worry, he says, the good days shall return … in the meantime, can you loan him a hundred bucks? 
7.    Never ignores a short skirt, pretty leg, ample boot–ay, or upright boob size B cup and above. Oh, women hate it when this happens, so run!
8.    Misunderstands most of what you say. Sorry, but there are a ton of men out there who look and dress intelligently but just don’t have many kilowatts upstairs. If you say, “I am looking for a man who is capable of emotional intimacy,” and he says, “I am very emotional,” run!
9.    Smokes pot, uses drugs. Those of us who are still alive and lively appreciate men who are present, motivated, energized, and healthy. Pot suspends your ability to tune into other people. Need I say more?
10.    Hates his job. If you don’t like what you’re doing, make a plan to do something else, then do it. Stagnation is a turn-off, and the top 5 percent don’t do it.
11.    Doesn’t monitor his health. He’s sick but he won’t go to the doctor. Girls, if he doesn’t get check ups and is allergic to doctors you’ll be dating a ticking time bomb, and worse, he’s the type who won’t get Viagra or Cialis when the day comes.
12.    Never flosses. Run, run! Also, never kiss a man who doesn’t go to the dentist at least once a year. Why? Do I really have to answer that?
13.    Unemployed trust fund kid. These guys have the bucks, but are as boring as freeze-dried hamburger.
14.    Personalito Nondevelopmento. Speaking of boring …
15.    Not curious. You’re together and he never (or barely) asks you anything about you – good Lord the minutes will tick by slowly with this one – and if not you, what is he interested in, anyway?

Although that is a long list, unfortunately it is not a complete list. I’m sure you will help me to think of some more. But the good news is that although 95 percent of men are like the ones listed above, we still have that allusive 5 percent from which to make love happen … stay tuned for my reporting on how to recognize the Golden Fivers …

Don’t forget to add YOUR TAKE on how to identify the men in the bottom 95 …

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January 25, 2009

Andie is a wonderfully attractive 39-year-old woman who has a lot to offer a man. She’s in shape, smart, intelligent, funny,  and has a great job that allows her to support a nice lifestyle. She’s solid, real, emotionally available, and a person that can be counted on, but, with all of that, she still has a problem.

“Doctor B, I can’t seem to find my male equivalent,” she says. “I have been wanting to have a boyfriend and a committed relationship for most of the seven years I’ve been single, and yet all I seem to attract is men who aren’t solid mentally, they’re not commitment-oriented, or emotionally available. So many of them don’t take care of themselves as they should. What’s up with that?”

I really empathize with Andie. After all, I’m single and have had similar experiences, and yes, it gets frustrating … I mean, wouldn’t you think it’d be easy to meet someone who was just sort of healthy, available, and balanced?

Now, you must know that this conversation is not to bash men, because I love guys, and so do the women I talked to for this article. But I do think part of the problem has to do with the same reason that so many men (in the classic scenario) cannot bring themselves to ask for directions – it’s simply abhorrent for them to ask for help, and they prefer to figure things out for themselves.

To get some male backing on this, I called San Antonio psychiatrist Dr. Jeffrey Benzick. He said there is a survival of the fittest thing going on, and explained that since cave man days the strongest men were self reliant … so all the dudes of today are just carrying the DNA of millions before them who valued doing things themselves.

"It is at least partially biological, I’m sorry to say," Benzick says.

So, doc, is there a pill for it? The way many women see it is that they don’t care so much about the whys of it, they just know that this self reliance is keeping them cold at night. To them, both genders experience pain, loss, and disappointments that come with life, but a whole lot of females have long been sorting through and dealing with the baggage life brings, and since we have, we’re feeling good and are ready to reconnect. The self reliant men aren’t working on their mental and emotional health, and at the end of the day, all of us are needlessly alone, and that’s sad.

Patti, a 57-year-old professional in Dallas, says the male predisposition to be self reliant is driving her nuts in a different sort of way …

“I date men my age and a little older, and many of them are limping around in the bedroom, if you know what I mean … and frankly, I’m sick of it” she says. “When I muster up the courage to ask them about it, I have yet to hear one say, ‘Oh yeah, I’m going to go to the doctor and find out what’s going on and maybe get Viagra to help me out with this.’ Instead, every single one has some excuse why he could never, ever use Viagra or any drug for ED (erectile dysfunction). It is so frustrating, but what can you do – date younger men, I guess?”

Uh, I hope not. So, I hear what Benzick says about why men have an allergy to seeking help, whether it’s mental, physical or emotional health, or even a style makeover, and I do agree with him. But I would also add that there are cultural pressures as well, including some nasty old stubborn pride – a characteristic found in humans that ruins more relationships than I can count.  After all, in our culture it’s considered manly to be viewed as strong, perfect and infallible. To that end, American boys are often taught not to exhibit sadness, vulnerability or fear, as these qualities are considered to be weak, and folks, weakness isn’t manly.

You know," Benzick says. "Almost every man can remember the moment between age 3 and 5 when someone told him to be a man and to not cry or be weak. I remember that moment myself."

And of course, sometimes men do ask for help, because I can attest that there are some who come in for therapy. BUT, most of the ones I see have not been spending years and years on self improvement as so many of their female cohorts have. Instead, the majority come in for the first time between age 38 and 55, and only when they’ve just about hit rock bottom after not being able to cope or fix things on their own. Even then, so many come in once or twice, hear a few things, and figure that’s all they need.

Benzick advises that men may need a little push from their women in order to get them to work their stuff.

"It does work when a woman says the relationship can’t move forward unless he gets help," he says.

Yeah, but that’s for men who are at least semi-connecting, so the question is, how can we motivate those who are mentally and emotionally hiding and isolating to get the help they need without them having to hit super-mega-lows? Do we have to have a government intervention and have vans drive around and pick up emotionally wounded and unavailable men and haul them off to physical and mental health camps to force them to get healthy? It’s just unfortunate that so many men wait such a long time to get help that could improve the quality of their lives and create the possibility for relationships whereas before there was none. If I could wave a wand over the male gender and change this about them, I would, because selfishly speaking, we girls are ready to connect.

So guys (and women, too!), what do YOU think?

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