Books & Articles

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Doctor Becky writes in the Huffington Post

A few years ago Doctor Becky was contacted by the Relationship Editor of the Huffington Post, Brittany Wong, to be a go-to expert for many of the articles she writes. Becky agreed, and eventually began to get her own articles published there. Below are the articles Doctor Becky wrote herself, and also the ones in which she is quoted as an expert:

Huffington Post articles Becky wrote herself.
Huffington Post articles Becky is quoted in.

Books that Becky recommends:


“Should I Stay or Go?”
by Lee Raffel, creator of the concept of Controlled Separation

Dr. Becky’s dissertation research was about how individuals decide to divorce, and from that work she created the concept of Managed Separation, a way of saving marriages that otherwise would certainly have ended. As she researched the concept of managing separations to save marriages, she found that other Marriage & family Therapists in the US were working with a similar idea referred to as Controlled Separation. Lee Raffel is the brainchild of Controlled Separation and has years of experience and success with the concept. She has written the only book on the subject, but stay tuned for mine, “Managed Separation.”

“Those who think they may be interested in a Managed Separation should read the book,
Should I Stay or Go? by Lee Raffel. It has influenced my work, and it’s very informative and will help couples understand what Managed Separation is about.”– Becky Whetstone

Dr. B’s Recommended Reading List

(Many of these are available on the cheap through Amazon used books or other half price book stores. If you don’t enjoy reading, consider the CD or cassette versions.)

Note: I am always finding books to read that add to my knowledge and cause me to think and consider life’s possibilities. The following books are on my shelves, and are favorites. In addition to these, I have hundreds more that have contributed to my life. I recommend that you also become a voracious reader of books that have the potential to contribute to your personal growth. Grow your library!! As for me, I always have a book stuffed in my car or purse so that if I ever have to wait anywhere, I can use the moment to learn something new. See you at the bookstore! Dr. Becky Whetstone

Unhappily Marrieds/Considering Divorce/Your Spouse Wants to Leave

Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage
Michele Weiner Davis (2002)

Davis is a well-known and respected Marriage and Family Therapist who styles her interventions using a popular theory known as Solutions-focused therapy that all Marriage & Family Therapists have to learn in graduate school. It is hopelessly optimistic, full of good advice for how to conduct yourself when your spouse is rejecting you, and that is just what a leaning-out partner may find helpful during this time.

Uncoupling
Diane Vaughan (1986)

Old as the hills. You can order it used off of Amazon. A book Doctor Becky used in her dissertation, and best and most expressively explains the process of how a couple “uncouples.” If you feel your relationship is coming apart, this will be helpful to understanding what you’re going through.

Dealing With an Extramarital Affair

After the Affair
Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D.

This is the best book I know that helps a person heal the pain and rebuild trust after a partner has been unfaithful. Doctor Becky has attended workshops that this author has facilitated; she was inspired to study the subject after her own spouse had an affair. Extremely helpful and deals with the issue from both perspectives – the cheater and the cheated-on.

Not “Just Friends:” Rebuilding Trust and recovering Your Sanity after Infidelity
Shirley P. Glass

Written by a leading expert on infidelity, Glass says we are right not to believe the words, “I’m telling you, we’re just friends.” So, no, you’re probably not crazy if you think your spouse may be cheating. This book will help.

Individuals Who Are Definitely Separating or Divorcing

Rebuilding (when your relationship ends)
Bruce Fisher, Ed.D.

This book (and the workbook) provide a 10-step process to understand and recover from the loss of a relationship, especially due to divorce. It will make the process easier if you follow it. Also, check the Internet for Rebuilding Seminars available near you.

Splitting Up
Pam Pearson

Written for academics, it’s kind of difficult to wade through, but if you have recently gone through a split you will devour Pearson’s detailing of the process of breaking apart. Fascinating and enlightening, and almost psychically tells you what you and have your spouse have been thinking as you go through the process.

Crazy Time
Abigail Trafford

Created for people who are in the midst of separation and divorce, I recommend it to every person in my office who is in the midst of that experience. It is an absolute must-read. Trafford’s understanding of the period leading up to separation and divorce and the experience itself is uncanny. She explains how we set ourselves up for the ultimate end without even being aware of it. That information alone is something I use in my practice almost weekly — I can warn couples what is likely to happen if they don’t change and grow into healthier individuals. This book was given to me years after my own divorce by a friend … I was stunned by it’s insight and so wish I had read it many years before.

Improve Your Marriage or Relationship

The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work
Terrence Real

Doctor Becky loves the work of Terry Real – she and Terry are influenced by many of the same theorists of how to be a healthy individual, and how to be a great relational partner. This book is honest and contains great insight claiming that one of the reasons marriages don’t work these days is that the old-fashioned male values haven’t caught up with the new age of gender equality. It is a great, great book.

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
Dr. Sue Johnson

Dr. Sue Johnson created the amazingly effective theory of marital repair known as Emotionally Focused Therapy. She believes many marital issues stem from attachment issues, and how right she is! If you don’t understand what attachment issues are, it is vital that you learn it. Her second book, “Love Sense” listed below focuses primarily on that. It is a must-read, as is a book not written by her, “Attached,” also listed below.

Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships
Dr. Sue Johnson

One of Doctor Becky’s favorite books, and a must-read to understanding the importance of attachment in your love relationships.

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and how it can help you find – and keep – love.
Amir Levine, MD., and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A.

Attachment theory was pioneered by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s — the field of attachment posits that each of us behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways:

  • Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back
  • Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.
  • Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.
  • In this book Levine and Heller guide readers in determining what attachment style they and their mate (or potential mate) follow, offering a road map for building stronger, more fulfilling connections with the people they love.

    Doctor Becky says: “This is one of the best “self-help” books I have ever read. I highly recommend it – it can really change your life!”

    The Mastery of Love
    By Don Miguel Ruiz (1999)

    Any book by Don Miguel Ruiz is one of Doctor Becky’s most highly recommended! This book is about true, deep, mature love. It’s what we all want, and what few have.

    Fighting for Your Marriage
    Howard Markman
    Scott Stanley
    Susan L. Blumberg

    Based on the PREP program – Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program that is seen in workshops nation wide. Doctor Becky likes it because it talks about many of the basic patterns of behavior couples get into and helps them understand how to stop it.

    Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
    John M. Gottman, Ph.D.

    Written by the marital research guru. His research is amazing, his books have lots of statistics and questionnaires in them, but the bottom line message is right-on. The work of Gottman must be mentioned as he has done much of the most important research on what makes relationships successful, and what breaks them apart.

    Getting the Love You Want
    Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. (1988)

    A classic book that has helped millions of couples.

    Codependency

    Before you say, “I don’t need this, I’m not codependent,” think again. Doctor Becky will tell you she hasn’t met anyone who is not codependent, so if you don’t think you are you need to learn what it really is. Often misunderstood, it is the biggest problem in why relationships don’t work. All of us must, must begin our work on recovery from codependence. Doctor Becky has studied with Pia Mellody in Scottsdale, Arizona, and her genius insight informs much of what Becky does. These books are a must-read for those wanting to have healthy relationships with themselves and others.

    Facing Codependence: What it is, where it comes from, and how it sabotages our lives
    Pia Mellody

    This book takes readers through the first step of codependency treatment – knowing what it is and how it plays a part in your life. It shows up in each person differently, so figuring out how it affects you is crucial to healing. An absolute must read!

    The Intimacy Factor: the ground rules for overcoming the obstacles to truth, respect, and lasting love
    Pia Mellody

    If Facing Codependence explains what codependence is and how it affects YOU, this book gives you a plan for working through it. Another must-read!

    Facing Love Addiction: Giving yourself the power to change the way you love
    Pia Mellody

    Not all codependents are love addicts, but all love addicts are codependents. This is a very hard addiction to break, but the cycle is a love avoidant in a relationship with a person who is constantly pursuing closeness with the avoidant. When the pursuer gives up, the avoidant comes back. The cycle is sick, and never-ending – unless you learn how to have a healthy relationship with yourself. Highly recommended for everyone to understand love addiction, and fits right in to the attachment theory work that is listed above in the Marriage Improvement category.

    Healing the Shame That Binds You
    John Bradshaw

    This is one of the most powerful books I’ve ever read. Bradshaw trained with Pia Melody, author of Facing Codependence, and passionately worked the model and found numerous ways for people to work through their shame issues. He explains the dynamic well, and his self-help exercises are invaluable.

    Homecoming: Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child
    John Bradshaw

    Bradshaw’s books are fantastic. Every person who took on shame needs to understand what that means and how to do it – this book is the best I’ve seen at achieving that.

    The Disease To Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome
    Harriet B. Braiker

    With so many pleasers out there it’s a wonder this book isn’t flying off the shelf at every bookstore in the nation. Yes, needing to please is a disease, and people who are pleasers will never be happy until they learn how to overcome it. I am a recovering pleaser myself, and this book helped me (long ago) to find ways to leave it behind — the result? True inner peace.

    Basic Understanding of Emotional Health and Life

    The Road Less Traveled
    C. Scott Peck

    Available at most half price/discount bookstores. Written in the 1970’s, but still a great, great place to start your quest for personal growth. This is THE BOOK I recommend to every person and client I know. Peck was a psychiatrist and spiritual man, and combines the two in this well-known work. I scan this book every six months or so to remind me of its great wisdom – it has changed the life of millions of Americans, including my own.

    Love is Letting Go of Fear
    Gerald Jamplosky

    Available at most half price/discount bookstores. A 100-page gold mine of information on how to live lovingly and joyfully. Based on the difficult to understand, “Course in Miracles,” a spiritually based analysis (for lack of a better word) of how to have healthy mental health and live an abundant life. A very good book for spiritually-minded readers.

    The Power of Now
    Eckhardt Tolle

    Just get it. A dry read, and rather deep, but a great way to live.

    The Four Agreements
    Miguel Ruiz

    Short, sweet, and insightful. Will change your life if you follow its wise insight.

    Healing the Child Within
    Charles L. Whitfield, M.D.

    Excellent book for healing and insight into why we are the way we are, and what to do about it so you may lead a healthy life. Highly recommended. 140 powerful pages.

    Seven Spiritual Laws of Success
    Deepak Chopra

    If you believe in the energetic laws of the universe, and I do, this book concisely describes them and what they’re about. These universal laws involve the energy we put out into the world, and involve things like karma — what goes around comes around, and the law of attraction. I often recommend this book for clients who are so attached to the “What’s going to happen if I …?” question, for example, because this book talks about how we must “release attachment to the outcome.” It’s a beautiful way to live and it works.

    The Power of Intention
    Wayne Dyer

    Speaking of universal laws of energy, Wayne Dyer wrote an entire book about one of them … the law of intention. It is worthy of a book because the idea of setting your intention towards what you want to do in life and allowing the universe to align to make it happen is one of them. It is a powerful energy, and Dyer explains well how to apply it in your life.

    A Return to Love
    Marianne Wilson

    I found this book years ago when I noticed how much a dear friend had changed for the better following the death of a child and a divorce. I asked him what was doing and he said, “A Course in Miracles.” I checked into it … wow! Today I am a big fan of the book, though I’ve never actually read it. Why? Because similar to the Bible, it’s not an easy read. Marianne Williamson was one of the first to write about what it says in simple and understandable terms. She has written many books based on it since. I love her work, it is such a compassionate and loving way to process the events of our lives.

    The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself
    Michael Singer

    So many of the new age spiritual books are all basically saying the same things, but in different ways. This one is no exception, however I love how Michael Singer explains it. If you read this book and apply what he is saying, you will live in joy the rest of your life. How’s that for an outcome?

    The Way of the Superior Man
    David Deida

    One of my San Antonio clients recommended this book to me about 10 years ago and it brought a whole new piece to the work I do — understanding male and female energy and how if out of balance can literally ruin our lives and relationships. Deed’s work is very profound, and has enlightened hundreds of my clients, especially the men I work with who are pleasers and nice guys and wonder why their wives aren’t feeling the passion for them. Deida explains here about healthy male energy and how to get it. Even though he speaks to men here, I feel that women need enlightening on the subject as well.

    Subconscious Mind-Related Books

    The Power of Your Subconscious Mind
    Joseph Murphy, Ph.D., D.D.

    Available at most book stores. This book is easy to read and explains how powerful your brain and your thoughts are. It will show you how you absolutely cannot afford negative thoughts or visuals. Life changing. Highly recommended.

    The Secret
    Rhonda Byrne

    Oprah’s done at least two shows on it and says the reason her life is so great is that she abides by its principles. People are talking about it everywhere. Enjoyable, easy-to-read book that discusses the Law of Attraction. A concept that is changing many lives.

    Sexual Addiction

    Facing the Shadow
    Patrick Carnes

    Patrick Carnes is the leading researcher and treatment planner for sexual addiction in the nation. His sex addiction rehabilitation center, Pine Grove in Hattiesburg, Mississippi is the most respected treatment center in the world, and is where Tiger Woods went years ago when he was experiencing his major life crisis. In short, Carnes is the man to look to when you want to know about sexual addiction, and this book is his manifesto for that.

    Parenting

    Helping Children Cope with Divorce
    Edward Teyber

    This is the book I recommend to all parents who have questions about how to handle their children during a marriage crisis, even if the couple is not sure whether or not they will be divorcing. No stone is left unturned here and virtually all of your questions relating to how to handle yourselves and them are answered.