A one-sided relationship feels like you’re loving on a mannequin. It’s hard to wake them up and get them to be proactive in the relationship, but it is possible. Photo: Adobe Stock: Lightfield Studios.

When you marry someone you wholeheartedly adore, a person you love doing things for and love with all your heart, who you can’t wait to throw down and make passion-filled love to, those feelings can carry you a long way before you realize that you’re doing just about everything in the relationship while they sit by and receive. “Wait a minute,” you think one day. “What the hell is going on here?”

When our flaming love fires simmer down to lukewarm bathwater temperature, it’s usually because we have not had enough energy input to keep us fueled. We can give and give to others, but we need them to give to us, too. When that doesn’t happen enough, the fire starts to go out over time, and it becomes harder and harder to feel anything close to what you’d been feeling. That’s when a person sits down and tries to figure out what has caused this major shift.

A one-sided or unbalanced relationship or marriage isn’t that unusual, unfortunately. The concept of stoking romantic feelings, also known as relationship work, is well presented in Gary Chapman’s world-famous book The Five Love Languages. Whether it’s one or both partners who have dropped the ball and allowed the love tank to get low, it’s completely avoidable. But today, we’re not going to talk about when both do it; we’re going to visit the sad story of when one person has enveloped the other in love so thoroughly that they didn’t even realize that they were the only one pedaling the bike until they stopped and took a breath.

Lazy romantics have their reasons for not bellying up to the bar of actionable love, of course. Here are some of the things I’ve heard:

I don’t know how.
My family never showed love; it was just understood.
I’m not that kind of person.
You knew that when you married me.
No one ever told me I was supposed to do that.
More understandable reasons from my point-of-view are:

People hurt you in your life, and you went into a self-protective cocoon.
Past traumas have rendered you allergic to doing things that make you uncomfortable.
You are avoidant attached due to past traumas, and coming close to another person causes you anxiety.
You’re afraid of rejection.
You were shamed for showing vulnerability.
You have low self-esteem, feelings of insecurity, and believe your partner doesn’t want you.
Life has been too easy for you, things given and not earned, and that’s the only thing you know.
Having a healthy relationship takes a lot of hard work — time, focus, and attention. I write about this all the time. A healthy marriage is like a high-maintenance plant. It needs the right amount of light, water, minerals, and soil and must be pruned and tended to. Unfortunately, too many people think that once you’re married, life shifts to responsibilities: a career, splitting the bills, household duties, kids, and doing things together. None of those things fosters or nourishes a relationship except doing things together. People become bored and restless in a long-term relationship when there is nothing but responsibilities and routines. What a perfect recipe that is for negative relationship issues and eventual emotional distress.

Marriage itself insinuates there will be romance, and unless you mutually agree otherwise, it must be on the table. The pattern I see is what I mentioned at the top of this blog — one starry-eyed, love-struck partner so entranced with a new love that they don’t even notice the object of their affection does not come up with ideas to do much of anything and has little or no romantic bones in their body.

Maria and Jose.

Maria was crazy about Jose. She was so attracted to him in a way she could not find words for; he had her heart on every level, and she obsessively focused on his every need. She didn’t notice that he never talked about marriage, never had ideas for a date, rarely called or texted her, didn’t write her cards, bring her gifts, or do little things to show he cared. He was more than happy to receive her love and attention and welcomed it, but they would have stayed home if she didn’t think of something to do. All the signs of a one-sided relationship were waving in her face, but she failed to notice them. This is a common mistake.

When she felt she had waited too long for a marriage proposal, she told him it was time, and he did nothing. Months passed by, then a year. Finally, while driving one day, they talked about it, and she screamed, “What is wrong with you? I want a family, and if you do not marry me, I am going to leave you!” “Okay, okay,” he said, “Wanna marry?”

Sitting in therapy years later, she said, “I just thought he was scared of commitment or something, but he was very committed. “He would have stayed like that forever, spending time with me while I doted on him, but he had no thoughts of marrying me or moving our relationship forward. It never occurred to him to do thoughtful things for me. Why didn’t I see that he was the kind of man with no ideas, no vision of a future together, no need for variety, and not one romantic thought ever?”

Now that Maria was worn out with giving, doing the romantic heavy lifting, and giving her marriage her best effort, she stopped cold turkey. When they came to see me, they lived as friends and roommates. A one-sided situation like theirs almost always ends up like this. Blinded by the chemicals of new love, she missed every red flag warning that Jose did not know how to give to her romantically, and theirs was an imbalanced relationship, a one-sided marriage, a situation that no one ever imagines for their romantic relationships. Of course, Jose could have gone on like that forever, and even when Maria discontinued her efforts, it didn’t occur to him to check what was going on. “I did ask her, ‘Hey, when are we going to have sex?’” he said.

Relationship apathy.

This issue of relationship apathy affects both genders. It often results from growing up in an invulnerable family. Imagine family members quietly living together who did and said the bare minimum when together, with little or no emotional support, and no one shared the truth about what was going on in their lives or who they were. People who grow up in families like this have no concept of mutual engagement, helping one another, and understanding and relating to the other’s struggles and challenges.

Also, people who have never been compelled to exert much effort or work to maintain or keep a friendship, mainly because things just happened for them, never learned the two-way street that defines relationships. I have met many physically stunning people who didn’t have much personality and showed no interest in engaging with others for the purpose of getting to know one another. It appeared they just existed, much like a piece of art on a wall. “How did this happen?” I used to ask myself.

Now that I am a therapist, I know that certain things like beauty, money, and fame are powerful gifts that magnetically attract people. People who appreciate the aura of your gift want to be near it for the sake of being near. When people gravitate to you, stick around, do things for you, and expect nothing in return except your presence, you quickly learn that this is what a relationship is. People without the gifts that magically draw people in must make a dedicated effort to join in the game of life and engage with others. They seem to sense that if they sit there and wait for things to happen, they will end up sitting there alone.

Giselle and Dave.

After over twenty years together, Giselle and Dave were in a marriage crisis. The hard-working, ever-helping wife was awakening to the reality of her imbalanced romantic situation. Almost overnight, she realized Dave was a talker, not a doer who would not change. She had hung on to the idea that, at any moment, he was going to turn that around, but now she was pretty certain that day would never come.

She was very successful in her career and had done everything possible to make his dreams come true, including funding many of his brainstorms, but he always dropped the ball. His lack of effort to follow through on anything had lost her respect, but how lonely she felt bothered her the most. This is a common feeling of the one who is the strong one and cheerleader in one-sided love.

“Why didn’t I see he wouldn’t change before?” she said. “Where have I been? I have just been waiting and waiting for him to finally step up to the plate and do his part as a partner, and you know what? He can’t do it. I don’t want this type of relationship.”

Giselle came in alone after our first couples session. “He’s not coming back even though he says he is,” she said, rolling her eyes. “He says he wants to read the relationship books you recommended before setting up another appointment for us, but I need to see him take urgent action. Anyway, I know he won’t read the books, and it’s just another excuse not to come to therapy. If we were going to go to couples therapy and really work on it, it gave me hope; without it, I have none. I’ve seen all I need to see.”

Why are people not doing their part?

The core problem with people who can’t or won’t step up and do their part in a relationship is usually emotional immaturity. They are children in adult bodies, still expecting their parents to plan and take care of everything. This is one reason family therapists tell parents of young children to push their children toward doing things themselves and being independent on an age-appropriate level along the way. The end goal of parenting is to have children who can be launched and care for themselves like a mother bird nudges her nestling from the nest. When the child grows up and allows others to do almost everything for them, you can be sure that didn’t happen.

Emotional immaturity is caused by being traumatized in childhood, and most of us have plenty of it, whether we remember it or not. Humans become emotionally disabled due to all of this in five core areas: self-esteem, boundaries, reality, dependency, and moderation/control. (1) People with childhood trauma often have a lack of self-care and self-awareness, so they won’t even notice they have an issue and wouldn’t do much or anything about it if they did. The disabilities inevitably appear in relationships, and like a person with one arm who can’t button their shirt, things you would normally expect a person to do as part of a romantic partnership won’t happen, like making plans for a romantic evening together. They only think about getting help because their spouse begs them to. The good news is that it’s entirely reparable with professional help, but often, they are pretty happy with their life the way it is and aren’t that motivated to change.

Lack of integrity is a trust killer.

To say you will do something and not do it is the same as lying to a partner. It kills trust and causes resentment. In marriage, one of the most important things to have is a foundation that says, “You are solid, and I can count on you.” (2) In unrequited love relationships, the taker stays in their comfort zone and assumes no risk, much like sitting in an easy chair and having life delivered. It’s very safe in that easy chair, but you must rely on others to keep you alive. Sadly, two-way relationships’ emotional investment, vulnerability, risk, and reward are all the qualities that make them worthwhile. Still, in a one-sided relationship, the taker will probably never experience it.

In the end …

The title of this article says it will tell you how to fix your one-sided relationship, but it takes two to fix this problem, and as I said, the person with this particular disability isn’t likely to do their part. I have seen many clients like this eventually divorce, and thankfully, the low-energy partner is usually able to support themself and keep a roof over their heads once on their own. Still, they will live in a way that causes them the most comfort and the least stress. It’s a sad dynamic, but that’s their chosen path.

My suggestion to everyone who has been the doer in a one-sided relationship is to be very aware of the potential partners you meet moving forward. If you enjoy them, ensure they are stepping up and doing their part. You also want to make certain you aren’t the one who immediately steps in and starts helping them in the areas where they struggle. Let them figure their own stuff out, and if they don’t do anything about it, you’ll know what to do.

Pia Mellody, Facing Codependence.
Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight.
Note: I am an Amazon affiliate and may receive a small percentage of the sales of these books at no extra cost to you.

Check out my new ebook on marriage crisis and how to know if you need to separate. It also includes a plan for an amicable divorce.

We’ve got lots of news and many exciting things going on in the relationship realm … so I’m preparing to send out a regular newsletter with the best relationship advice on the planet. To get on my email list, click here.

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She is also co-host of the YouTube Call Your Mother Relationship Show and has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on the Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!

For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.

Equality diehards don’t do well in marriage and relationships. Stop expecting problems in the marriage to be seen as 50–50, and focus on your part in it. Quibbling over who is most right or wrong is a fool’s game. Graphic: Adobestock/Magann

Are problems in marriage always 50 percent your fault and 50 percent your spouse’s fault? Not in my experience. Still, quite a few individuals in couples therapy desperately want me to tell them it is. They need me to tell them so. If a person gets a whiff that I may think they’re mostly the problem, panic will set in and they will often offer up perceived stacks of violations their spouse committed to try and even it out.

It’s a good thing I won’t be fooled. As the Sherlock Holmes of marital issues, always seeking to solve the mystery of what’s at the bottom of a couple’s issues, it’s my job to uncover the truth, and if one person is mostly the problem, we need to get down to it. It perplexes me to no end that it’s so hard, I mean really hard, for someone to own up to being a marital problem child, but at the same time, it doesn’t.

Because of things like this, marriage therapy is a ceaselessly fascinating thing. Couples come in for a session, and we talk about their goals, followed by the things that are tripping them up, and it won’t take much time before I get the gist of the problem. I can usually get a general idea of the themes and dynamics that take them down within the first or second session. Some take great offense at this, assuming I’m carelessly jumping to conclusions and need to know all the details of their life story and all their tales of woe, but I don’t.

I am looking for themes and patterns. They report the stories and the different ways they interact, they correct each other and clarify, and I make mental notes of the things I see that don’t work in relationships. Although people want to think they are completely unique, and they are in some ways, human beings are pretty predictable regarding behavior. I know I must be getting it close to right because every week, I hear the words, “You hit the nail on the head,” when I start telling them what I think, but only from one of the two.

That doesn’t mean that other things they might tell me might add context and be helpful later on; it’s just that I am on the scent of their key relationship dynamics early on, and that gives me a place to start. I don’t think in black-and-white terms, like one person is an angel and the other a devil, though some clients say things like, “Oh my God, she’s thinking I’m the villain!” Not so fast, I say. People are way more complex than that.

The griper.

Still, the most common dynamic I work with involves a griper and the receiver of the griping. The griper is bothered by little things and wants their spouse to change so they can be comfortable, and the receiver says they might have a good marriage and happy relationship if the griper would chill out and leave them alone. Although people long for a healthy relationship, and that’s why they are there, I’ve come to believe that at least one person (probably the griper) secretly hopes I’ll take their side and stick it in their partner’s eye. At the end of the day, they want vindication and validation that their spouse has made their life difficult, and they strongly hope that the type of relationship advice I offer will pull their partner into line.

When I present my initial premise and check with them to see if I’m on the right track, one person smiles, and the other person squirms nervously. This is when the tenor of a session forever changes. The hardest thing is getting the person who perceives themself in the hot seat to honestly and humbly see that they may not be the great partner they thought they were. I must do it tenderly and softly because if I flat out told the person I’m thinking they may be the primary pain in the marriage’s ass, it wouldn’t go very well. Anyway, most people don’t have the ego strength and solid sense of self to be able to receive constructive commentary directed primarily at them, no matter how softly and respectfully it’s delivered.

Such news does not align with how they see themselves, so they often think I must have it wrong. They may question my training and credentials or try to throw me off the trail, deflecting my attention to things their spouse does instead. A good therapist sees it all and keeps people on track.

What are the qualities of a difficult partner?

Understand that the more inflexible a person is, the more controlling, rigid, intense, negative, obsessive, neurotic, moody, arrogant, boundaryless, withholding, volatile, vengeful, demanding, humorless, and intolerant, the more difficult they will be to have a relationship with. That’s common sense. Of course, these people are usually most responsible for their marital issues, while at the same time are wired such that they can’t or won’t see it. It stuns the mind to know how many people in the world have no self-awareness.

So, the math equation is: the one who resists, denies, deflects, and doesn’t buy into my perspective while their partner does is almost always the one who bears the most responsibility for the marriage being unworkable. That’s marriage therapy math.

Ron and Sue have been together for 12 years, and they’ve hit a wall. Ron initiated the idea of marriage therapy and is certain it will only take me a few sessions to fix his wife. He admits he’s not perfect and knows he has minor issues, but the main problem is that Sue is stubborn and doesn’t listen to him. He wants me to teach her to listen and then turn her from a recalcitrant bull into a precious little calf who takes suggestions and adjusts accordingly. After listening to his gripes for about 10 minutes and noting Sue’s sarcastic asides, I put down my pen and looked at Ron.

“I think I can see what’s going on here,” I say. “Ron, you’re pretty demanding and controlling, and I think you’re wearing Susan out. Now, Susan, do tell me if I am wrong about that …

“You’re not wrong,” she quickly adds. “Ron is an authority on how all things ought to be.”

“Well, I do like the home to be neat as a pin,” but what’s wrong with that?” he says. “I like things a certain way, but Sue just won’t do it. I’m just asking for small stuff, a two-way street effort to keep our place clean and picked up, but she doesn’t care about it. We wouldn’t argue about anything if she kept the house picked up.”

“To Ron, a romantic evening at home is the two of us scrubbing down the countertops and wearing white gloves to see how much dust there is,” she says while rolling her eyes.

“So you think the problem is Susan?” I say. “If only she were clean, did her fair share of household chores, and kept the house tidy, you’d be content?”

“Well …. yes. Pretty much.”

Is Ron more of a problem in the marriage than Sue? Is she the problem? Let me offer more context to their story before you decide. They both have demanding careers, plus three children aged nine and under, two of whom are involved in after-school activities. I have great compassion for what it must be like in their household; I imagine this: noise, dirty laundry, lost shoes, people running to the car, and half-eaten snacks lying around.

“Do you think your demands are reasonable?” I ask Ron. In my experience, families like yours are chaotic, and that will probably not change that much. The idea that your home could remain neat as a pin in the midst of mayhem doesn’t sound reasonable. In fact, a little understanding on your part might be in order.”

“I don’t think I’m asking too much,” he says.

“And I do,” she says. “I’m willing to do a little, but Ron, your standards and what you’re asking are over the top, in my opinion. I’d like him to focus on what I will do, not what I don’t or won’t.”

Finding your dysfunctional pattern.

My mentor, Terry Real, creator of Relational Life Therapy and author of the best relationship health books on the planet, says a great way to hone in on a married couple’s dysfunctional patterns is to fill in the following blanks: “The more Spouse A does X, the more Spouse B does Y, and the more Spouse B does Y, the more Spouse A does X …”

The more Ron complains about the state of the house, the more Sue thinks he’s unreasonable and shuts down. The more Sue shuts down and does nothing, the more Ron complains. It was easy to see their pattern within the first 15 minutes that we talked. Ron is what I call the “squeaky wheel” spouse. He’s the one complaining and demanding changes. Sue is shut down and sick of his griping.

In his mind, my job was to persuade Sue to clean up her act (literally). It caught him off-guard when I told him that he had unrealistic expectations and that he needed to find more compassion and understanding for Sue, especially considering how difficult and stressful this stage of their lives is. Anytime you can process another person’s situation using a dose of compassion and empathy and show some emotional support, it’s a good day. If Ron values a tidy house, and Sue is less interested in that, that might be a good focus for him to take on, and perhaps she could focus on the things that are meaningful to her. That’s how people in good relationships sort things out.

Inner peace rule.

Here’s a rule of thumb for relationships: It’s a boundary violation when one person asks another person to give up their inner peace so they can have it. If your partner asks you to do something you’re uncomfortable with, always say no if you will resent them if you say yes. Only agree to what they ask if you can do so with a neutral or happy heart. A neutral heart might look like, “Well, it’s not my favorite thing to do, but I don’t mind doing it.”

In the case of Sue and Ron, she already resents him for what she sees as his unreasonable demands, and she should tell him diplomatically, “Ron, you are the one who wants the house a certain way, so I suggest you be in charge of that yourself.” If Ron wants a successful marriage and a happy wife, he will stop the fight to win this and other power struggles, throw up the white flag, and take care of the problem himself. There is no right or wrong regarding whether a house should be kept pristine or not.

Crux of the problem.

Since women demanded to be treated equally at the turn of the last century, men, fearing losing it all, have hung tightly to their half. That’s okay regarding job opportunities and wages, but in marriage, things aren’t usually going to be equal. People would be wise to throw this concept in the trash.

I believe those of us in relationships should each shoot for 100 — I give my all, and you give your all, and let’s see what happens next. If my relationship fails, I blame myself 100 percent, and you do the same. If my partner really doesn’t want to do something I want, I should do it myself.

Marriage isn’t equal and fair; sometimes, one person does more than the other in great relationships, and sometimes, that switches. We must bend and flow throughout our lives together and stop finger-pointing. If you are a blamer and must point the finger at someone for your relationship problems, point it at yourself. My job would be so much easier if everyone came in with the attitude that everything is 100 percent their fault. Still, people are prideful and immature and want to deny their major part in not having a perfect relationship, or, as I said, their ego needs to know they are only half the problem.

Expectations and relationship satisfaction.

Some people are masters at creating relationship problems unnecessarily, and I aim to stop that. My mother loved spending time thinking about things to worry about, for example. It was a complete waste of time. Expectations in marriage are that way — these are little ideas a person has about what another person should be doing. Ron thinks a home should be clean, and Sue should be cleaning it. It’s completely ridiculous that any adult would expect anything of another without their agreement.

The only way expectations work is by discussing whatever it is first, and if both people agree, then you may have an expectation. For example, one spouse, Mary, wants the other, Joe, to text her at least four times daily. To her, if you love her, that is what you will do. The problem is that Joe loves Mary but is busy when he works and finds her expectations a nuisance. Joe should not have to text if he does not want to. Mary is out of line, declaring that he doesn’t love her if he doesn’t text when the truth is she has no idea how he feels, she is making that up. Only he knows that.

When Ron, Mary, or anyone else doesn’t get what they want or can’t get their spouse to abide by their rules, they must back off and learn to take care of themself. We all experience a disappointed little boy or girl within us at various times. We need to nurture and care for that part of us when that happens. It is unfair to ask your partner to change who they are so you can be happy, and that doesn’t happen with successful couples in a long-term relationship.

If you are the kind of person with lots of expectations and demands, then you will be more than 50 percent of the problem in your marriage, I assure you. No one wants to be a pain in the ass to their spouse, but people with lots of demands and expectations are just that. If you recognize yourself here, come off your high horse, take stock of yourself and your behavior, and do what it takes to make your relationship work. ​

Check out my new ebook on marriage crisis and how to know if you need to separate. It also includes a plan for an amicable divorce.

We’ve got lots of news and many exciting things going on in the relationship realm … so I’m preparing to send out a regular newsletter with the best relationship advice on the planet. To get on my email list, click here.

Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She is also co-host of the YouTube Call Your Mother Relationship Show and has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on the Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!

For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.